On the Coast – Families Issue 101 I August/September 2019 | Page 19
When the child’s
special person is
not there, the child
becomes upset – often
this brings the parent
or carer back, and the
child feels safe again.
at first, because the child does not
understand that their special person
will be coming back. It takes a long
time – years – for the child to feel safe
when the special person is not there.
Bedtime
From about 6 months of age, children
may get upset at bedtime, or even
when the parent leaves the room –
these are separations.
Babies don’t understand that their
parents may still be close by when
they cannot see them.
A baby or toddler may try to follow
the parent to keep her or him in sight,
and can get very “clingy”. It is best to
comfort and resettle your baby than
letting them cry.
The child may become more upset
until the child is about fifteen to
eighteen months old, and then
gradually become less upset as the
child becomes more confident.
Always ensure your child will be safe
and well looked after at the place
where you are leaving her, so that you
can feel confident in letting her know
that she will be fine.
If possible, help her get to know any
new situation or carer while you are
there.
If your baby or young child is going
to child care, try to find a place where
there will be only one or two people
who will be her special carers and
who will usually be there when she
is there.
Always say goodbye, even if you have
to go while she is upset. This builds
trust. Sneaking out or trying to get
away may make a child feel that you
can’t be trusted.
Once you have said “goodbye” try not
to drag out your departure as this is
unlikely to be helpful.
When going out, try to leave the child
with someone he knows well.
Show that you understand his
feelings, eg. “I know you wish I could
stay. I wish I could stay with you too”.
Let the child mind something of yours
(such as a bag or keys) when you are
not there.
Help him to know when you will be
coming back. Tell him in ways he
understands, eg. “after lunch”.
Be reliable, always come back when
you say you will. If for some reason
you can’t get back on time, let the
carer know, so she can tell your child
what has happened..
Read stories about separations.
Sometimes if children are away from
parents during the day they seem
to want to make up time at night
by staying up late. Try to give them
a little extra time with you in the
evenings.
Separation anxiety disorder in children
As children reach preschool and school
age, they’re less likely to have
separation anxiety. Of course, there’ll
always be times when they only want
to be with you.
If your preschool-age or school-age
child seems particularly and regularly
upset about being separated from you,
it’s possible he has separation anxiety
disorder. About 4% of preschoolers
and school-age children develop this
condition.
Separation anxiety disorder is when:
the anxiety interferes with your
child’s life, and therefore with
your life
your child has more severe anxiety
than other children the same age
your child’s anxiety has gone on for at
least four weeks.
If you’re concerned your child might
have separation anxiety disorder, look
out for times when she/he
dislikes being separated from you
worries that you or she might get hurt
or have an accident
refuses to go to child care, preschool
or school
refuses to sleep at other people’s places
without you
complains about feeling sick when
separated.
Laura Kiln has moved to the Central Coast from the UK where she worked in London at the Institute of
Psychiatry and the National Specialist Centre for Child and Adolescent Mental Health. She has over 20
years experience of working with families and is internationally recognised as an expert in the field of
Parenting. She has four children herself and is used to the dramas of family life. Her practice ‘Laura’s
Place’, is open for self or GP referral. Tel: (02) 4385 5587 www.laurasplace.com.au. Laura has appeared
on Channel 9 TODAY show as a parenting expert.
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AUGUST/SEPTEMBER – ISSUE 101
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