October 2019 October 2019 | Page 36

The Golf Cart CHRONICLES BY: SUZY JAMES - WWW.ITSNEVER2LATEBOOKS.COM This Is A Story taken from The Golf Cart Chronicles - A Compilation Of Funny Golf Cart/Golfing Related Short Stories BAD GOLF DAY Go Away SUZY JAMES, Author F or some unknown reason, I had a very bad golfing day today. My favorite psychedelic golfing socks got holes in both heels. Why is it the stupid socks I hate keep on ticking? I accidentally dropped a full glass of OJ on my new ceramic tile kitchen floor, glass not broken, slipped on a few drops of juice missed wiping up, twisted previously broken left ankle, hurt like hell, out of pain relievers, no ice cubes in freezer, wrap two bottles cold water around sore ankle with stupid socks I hate, one bottle cap was loose, flew off on floor somewhere, 36 good foot stepped on missing bottle cap, slid across wet floor, landed on my ass-backwards, bumped elbow against corner of table, reached for sofa pillow to rest painful ankle, feathers burst out everywhere, and got a feather up my nose, sneezed it out, landed on revolving ceiling fan blade and hit a bullseye in my right eyeball. Got up, hobbled into kitchen to finish last of hour old cold coffee, missed grabbing cup handle, took to the air, whacked front door of stove, glass panel fell out. Washed OJ glass, had a crack from fall, when drying juice glass it shattered in hand, got a cut and drew blood on left favorite golf club grip hand, no bandages, wrapped wound with wife’s favorite show-and-tell never used tea towel, not new anymore. Golf buddy honks my golf car horn outside, trip on last porch step, WWW.GOLFCAROPTIONS.COM fall forward, near right front tire, damn thing is flat. While golf buddy repairs flat tire, flock of Canadian geese flying overhead, drop poop on my head, buddy, car, bandaged left hand, and aching ankle. Use golf towels in place of pooper-scooper to wipe off stinky blobs of yucky bird goop. Finally get to golf course, look at clock, thirty minutes late for tee off time, must wait for one hour before next slot is open. Use washroom in clubhouse to clean up, pump foamy hand soap from dispenser with good right hand, malfunction causes soap to land all over tile floor, welcome to skating rink using golf shoes. Reach for paper towels, none there, no toilet paper, throw foul smelling poopy golf towels on floor to avoid slipping, grab water tap for balance, tap handle falls off and lands on tea towel wrapped injured left hand, scream bloody murder, no answer,