HEALTH & WELLNESS
that our kids’ trials and tribulations are significant to them, and therefore important to us. It’ s also great to be involved in the community and local charities as well as helping those underprivileged kids who need a good role model— just don’ t forget about your own kids in the process.
Don’ t set standards so high that they are impossible to meet. Many of you work in communities where kids are often given too much too soon and you’ re convinced that an iPhone at age 11 will turn your kid into an entitled delinquent.
Cops are often too hard on their kids and those around them. When your kids were little, sleepovers may have been nonnegotiable because you were sure that everyone was a child molester. As your kids got older, you may have ridden them so hard about their behavior( which was great 98 percent of the time) that finally your spouse or a friend had to step in and tell you to realize that he / she was a really good kid and you should lighten-the-heck up. It is no secret that cops tend to think catastrophically but sometimes you need to take a step back. Are you always demanding perfection in your child’ s behavior? If your kid is starting to rebel, have you asked yourself( and her / him) why? Do you even know what real rebellion is? Sometimes it’ s hard being a cop’ s kid. Dr. Gilmartin’ s book“ Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement” describes the effects of the“ hypervigilance biological rollercoaster” on parenting. It’ s pretty sobering stuff.
Use the job as a teaching tool. Start informal rituals with your teenagers by sharing“ stupid teenager” stories, but never mention names or other compromising details. Tell them a million ways that kids their age and older got into trouble with the police and parents in your community. They will always learn something from those stories. Also, frequently ask their opinion but try hard not to issue any ultimatums(“ You better make sure I never hear about YOU getting into that kind of trouble!”) and use those times to talk about things like date rape, drug and alcohol use and the other uncomfortable but necessary topics we often avoid discussing with our kids. That open line of communication is huge when you’ re trying to navigate the teen years as a parent.
Don’ t overreact. There’ s a very good chance your kid might get into a bit of trouble, or even a lot of trouble, at one time or another. Make sure your response is reasonable and appropriate. There’ s a big difference between a speeding ticket and a DUI. This is where your police tactics and training may actually pay off. Prepare ahead of time, just in case. Mentally rehearse how you’ ll react when you get some bad news about your kid’ s behavior. Practice using your tactical breathing to gain control of your emotions and use your experience to recall all of the stupid things you’ ve seen otherwise“ good” kids do while you’ re at work. Make sure the punishment really does fit the crime and when dealing with the arresting officer, treat them how you’ d like to be treated if it was you issuing the citation.
Don’ t make it all about you. When your kids get in trouble, it’ s immediately going to be seen as a reflection on you. People are going to judge your parenting, your values— sometimes even your skills as a cop.(“ He can’ t even keep his own kid in line, how effective can he be on the street?”)
It doesn’ t help to scream things at your kid like,“ You’ ve embarrassed me! How could you have done this to me? How am I going to show my face at work after this?” That kind of reaction only reinforces to your family that your job is more important than they are. Yes, your kids have a responsibility to be law-abiding members of the community not because of you or your career but because it’ s the right thing to do and will significantly affect their future. Help your kid see how his / her actions affect everyone, not just you.
Support your kid... be a parent first and a cop second.“ Supporting” your kid, however, does not mean getting him / her out of trouble. Parenting is already hard; it’ s even harder when working shifts, dealing with the bottom rung of society and being suspicious of everyone. One of the best things you can do for your kid is to be there. Police work can be allconsuming, so proactively schedule time with your family, keep your promises and make sure your kids know that they are more important than your job( or anything else, for that matter). As Ellen Kirschman talks about in her book“ I Love a Cop,” you often“ police” your family the same way you police at work, becoming overly critical and controlling. Examine your own parenting and the dynamics of your family and make changes if necessary. Ask your kids for suggestions, model the behavior you want to see in them, expect them to be good citizens and get to know them as people, not just as your kids. But most importantly, enjoy them; they grow up too fast. If you need family counseling or help with your kids or teenagers, call Cop2Cop at 866-267-2267. d
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www. njcopsmagazine. com ■ AUGUST 2018 80