Once I gathered my final credits in the Dance Faculty I was able to graduate. During that time I created a program with single parents and their children (connecting them through dance). And it hit me. I was going to be a teacher for the rest of my life. Then I entered into the education program in 2010, I was excited. The days were long and I the commute to York University was long. After a few weeks, I was in a very dark place. I did not have enough sleep, was traveling to and from York for about 3-4 hours everyday and sometime staying at York from 8am until 10pm at night. My system was crashing.
I very sad. My mom was concerned. I had panic attacks at least once a week. I would leave my house and forget almost everything at home. I would cry myself to sleep and when I awoke I could hardly pull myself out of bed. My professor spoke to me about a deferal and I thought that would have been enough. But, it got so bad that I just could not go to school. Going to get my deferal signed, I stood outside of the class staring in petrified and alone. I couldn't look anyone in the eye of even say hi.
I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I was in the stairwell and my chest was tight and I couldn't breathe. I was dizzy and my vision was blurry. I wept and wept. I felt overwhelming guilt and sadness. Why couldn't I do this? Why couldn't I just snap out of it? I rustled in my pocket for my cell phone and called my mom. I could barely speak. The walk to the bus was long and hard. Shame, fear and guilt all pooled into my thoughts. My grandparents picked me up from the station and I just wept. My grandma held me like a little baby and I felt so ashamed.
After numerous visits to the doctor, I finally accepted her diagnosis that I had this thing called Depression. I did not know where to go, or who to turn to. Upon my acceptance into the ‘Part-time Consecutive Education Program’ at York University, I knew I wanted to become involved with an association that would aid in teacher development. In my first two years, through individual research, I have learned where to attain certain Mental Health and academic resources. The shame dissipated as I saw the positive results that such resources made in my life. As a student who requires specific resources, I know how important it is to have access to information on how to acquire these various services.
It took me two years to understand that I am not alone, and that I have a story that can help others. I am extremely passionate about being a liaison between students and the resources they require to address their needs. In my role as a Professional Director, I will perform resource planning to meet the needs of new educators in order to allow them to be successful. I will strive to communicate with educators about the various services that are in place for students. I, alongside the other appointed Professional Director, will hold meetings with education students to gain feedback about their experiences in order to learn about what works and those elements that need improvement. Then, we will try to help resolve resource-related problems through consulting with the FESA council.
Finally, I know that as an a future Occassional Teacher, I will not be able to access the resources I need in order to maintain my own mental health. This is a huge concern for me, and I want this issue changed. I will leave you with this quote that I believe is an instrumental lesson for educators, said in lecture on January 9, 2013 by Professor Deborah Britzman of York University's Faculty of Education: "Please take care of yourself…the mind of the teacher is the student’s best resource.”
Kaeisha Rowe