From the time I can remember, there has always been a little dark cloud that would wash over me and seem to sink me into a hole that I could not get out of. But I was good at hiding it. I was soo good, that no one had a clue that I was truly suffering. My father left at an early age, and I never understood why. Even to this day, I have no idea why he left me. I realize that humans are flawed and can make terrible mistakes, but did I really deserve that? As an adult, Father's Day still brings around that darkness. A type of sinking feeling where no one can understand me and I shut down for a while.
I would spend countless hours in my room writing poems. Poems that I now read with sadness and understanding. At that time, I had no idea what was going on. I often wanted to run away from home, but had no idea where to run to. I would create these elaborate plans to run away from the pain. But I knew that the pain resided in me, and that I couldn't run away from myself. But, the poetry helped and so did dance.
Dance has always played a significant role throughout my whole life. From the age of three I was constantly involved in the dance world. When I would dance, it was like I was free. Truly free, and if I was feeling down, the darkness seemed to lift. As I graduated from middle school, I knew that I would not fit into the regular schooling system. For things like math and science were no real interest to me. I liked writing, and I loved dancing. But where could I go? After some research, I was at an auditon to attend Wexford C.I. School for the Arts. When I was accepted into the program there was a sense of belonging that envoloped me.
I met some amazing friends that I still have to this day. Dancing everyday at Wexford really helped release the pain I felt. It wasn't until my final year at Wexford, when I was able to choregraph my own piece, and have someone dance it for me. Once it was finished I was terrified. It showed the raw me, it was here that the darkness first showed itself to others. The piece was riveting and scary. But people didn't realize that it was truly me on and took it to be artistic.
Fast forward into University. I ran away from Dance because I had no idea what kind of future I could have in it. I did not want to be a teacher at a dance studio, so I dumped dance and picked up Psychology. Psychology was not for me, but Sociology was. Though, all of my electives were in dance. I was set on working for the government to have a high salary paid job with great benefits. Until my Professor, Docotor Patrick Alcedo, in the Dance Faculty told me to add dance to my degree. I smiled and said I would look into it. Learning about dances from around the world made me excited and I wanted to share what I knew with anyone and everyone. When I was in those classes, I was at peace.