amusing. I’m just astonished at the extent of the exposure this case has generated. Thomas has managed greater publicity for his dreadful books than he’d have earnt legitimately if he’d written good ones.”
When asked about the broader consequences of his diagnosis, Feidelknob went on to say, “If Psychoenteritis is indeed contagious, then the consequences are profound. There are seven billion people on this planet, and if everyone becomes infected, then the entire population of the planet could have an unhealthy obsession with bollocks and an inability to masturbate.” We asked whether, having been in contact with Thomas when formulating his diagnosis, there was a chance he was infected also. “I certainly don’t have Psychoenteritis,” Warren said. “I’ve done a spelling test recently to prove it. Plus I can successully masturbate. I do, however, think about my bollocks a great deal, but that’s only because Thomas kneed me in them and broke one.”
The medical fraternity has been working quickly to establish a test for Psychoenteritis and have come up with a questionnaire that’s being used as an interim. Besides a spelling test with big words, there are other questions to identify those potentially at risk.
Here are some examples.
1. Can you write your name?
2. Do you have pyschoenteritis? (If yes, disregard the remaining question and see your doctor.)
51. When was the last time you played with your/someone else’s bollocks?
347. Someone opens a door for you. Do you;
a. Walk through it
b. Smash your face into it
c. Smash their face into it
d. Play with your bollocks
348. You’re in a cafe drinking coffee. Do you:
a. Drink it
b. Suffer a fatal anaphylaxis
c. Throw it at the person who made it
d. Play with your bollocks
667. A friend said they’d seen an excellent documentary on apostrophes. Do you:
a. Ask them how to apostrophise the possessive plural of apostrophes
b. Suffer two fatal anaphylaxis attacks and bring up some sick
c. Ask if it’s available on DVD
e. Play with their bollocks
Whether or not these questions will help diagnose the condition and its contagiousness remains to be seen. What is known, however, is that one man would like to know the answer more than any other, and until he does, Thomas Corfield’s dreadful writing might remain forever inexcusable. - JNP
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Psychoenteritis translates as ‘inflammation of the mind’, and may account for Thomas’ shocking attempts at prose. Doctor Feidelknob and others are also worried that it might be highly contagious, and are pushing for a series of diagnostic tests to find out, which means Thomas will have to be kept in isolation until they’re developed. The publishing industry is pushing for the same, because, as they’ve being arguing for some time now, "if his writing is not stopped soon, literacy may be wiped out altogether."
At this stage, some of the recognised signs of psychoenteritis include; writing very badly, a complete aversion to punctuation, walking into doors, clinical neurosis resulting in an unhealthy interest in bollocks, a dislike of triangles, an inability to masturbate and allergy to coffee.
As a professional witness during the hearings, Doctor Feidelknob said, “Fortunately, people like Thomas tend not to live very long, because they’re so irritating that people want to kill them. There’s nothing funny about mental illness, and his books are even less amusing. I’m just astonished at the extent of the exposure this case has