Psycho-
enteritis
“Diarrhoea of the mind” is a rare condition affecting one in seven billion. We speak to its only known sufferer.
Merchison Barrington-Barrington, Corfield’s barrister, released news of the diagnosis to waiting media outside court. “It’s just good to know that his writing’s dreadful for a reason,” he said. “There’s nothing more pathetic than a complete and utter failure, other than them not realising they are one until it’s pointed out medically.”
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You may know of him as a dreadful writer. Others know of him as a truly shocking one. But it may be that Thomas Corfield’s reputation as the worst writer to have ever lived is a consequence of more than sheer lack of talent. Thomas was diagnosed with psychoenteritis during the legal proceedings brought against him by the entire publishing industry, which had concerns that his self-published books were so dreadful, that they threatened the literary standings of the industry itself. Although their case had credence, the diagnosis of psychoenteritis went a long way to securing an outcome in their favour. Despite Thomas remaining adamant that the condition was fabricated solely to discredit him, it doesn’t alter the fact that his writing is unconditionally appalling, and the industry's argument that “he ought to be locked up forever, somewhere really dark so he can’t even see a pen, let alone use one”, appears to resonate with the reading public. Many have been captivated not only by the rollercoaster this case has become, but the astonishing denial that Thomas has demonstrated throughout it—a denial that could be one of
the more sinister symptoms of Psychoenteritis. Ironically, such diagnosis absolves Thomas of much of the maliciousness the industry originally accused him of; the suffering he’s inflicted on readers can be seen as a consequence of his mental state, rather than cruelty on his part. Nevertheless, the medical profession is concerned about the broader implications of this new condition, particularly by being used to absolve others of far more grievous crimes.
“I’m not allowed to talk to you,” said Thomas, when New Disease Weekly approached him. “My barrister says I’m not allowed to talk to anyone, which isn’t difficult, considering I have no friends and my life currently harbours all the frivolity of a wake—which is ironic considering I was actually at one recently. The sandwiches were excellent.”
The legalities surrounding the diagnosis mean it’s impossible to discuss the condition with the diagnosing psychiatrist, Doctor Warren Feildelknob, but Thomas’ barrister, Merchison Barrington-Barrington, was keen to put it in a legal perspective. “The thing you need to realise about Thomas,” he said, “is the courage of the man. And by courage, I mean denial. I always thought he was a complete wanker, but now that there’s a clinical reason behind him being one I’m inclined to charge him more, if he wasn’t already bankrupt. People often ask me why he’s such a dreadful writer, and I used to say it’s because he’s stupid and has nothing resembling talent—which is, incidentally, the main argument for his defence. But Psychoenteritis suggests there’s a clinical reason behind it, which means he’s being persecuted because of his illness. Another argument we’ve used is that although the media refers to him as a complete wanker, the truth is—and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me saying this—that he’s unable to masturbate. So they’ve got that wrong, too.”