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Neither of my parents have the condition , nor have traces of the gene in their families . Therefore , it was a fluke . A chance . A coincidence . An accident if you will ...... whatever you wish to describe it as , no one held any responsibility for it . No one has any control over it . I certainly didn ’ t choose it . Yet I ’ ve had to learn to be ok with its consequences .
So , you know what - I ’ m entitled to feel a bit pants someday .
But then other days . Most days ... It is ok .
Like today . Writing this . I ’ m ok .
But that doesn ’ t mean today is any more of an achievement to last week when I screamed for my doctor to make it stop .
The truth is we don ’ t always have to be ok with the things that cause us hurt . We don ’ t have to be ok with feeling pained . We don ’ t have to put on a brave face every day and always be used to it - Someday its more than ok to hold our hands up and say you know what- this sucks ! But something else I ’ ve learned over time , is in the moments of denial . . . the times where we least accept what is in front of us . . . all we really do is add to the fire that we are trying to put out .
What I mean is . On the days , I hear the shouts on the street . Or the days social media tells me I ’ m unworthy ; where am I getting if I allow myself to repeat those same words and feelings to myself ? Well , I can tell you from experienceit ’ s nowhere nice .
We spend every waking minute with ourselves - and in time I ’ ve began to realise that for that reason- my own outlook on myself is probably more important than the satisfaction of an online troll , who probably couldn ’ t even tell you my name .
It would be easy to be bitter . As bitter as the world that surrounds us ... And believe me , those feelings don ’ t go unseen . I ’ ve cried for days . Prayed for days . I ’ ve begged doctors to “ take it away ”, but all the time knowing nothing is going too . This is my card . And it ’ s mine to accept .
But you know what else I ’ ve learned ?
“ Accepting your disability isn ' t just a switch you can flick . There are days where you feel so confident and nothing can stop you , and days when someone who probably isn ' t even looking at you can send you on a downward spiral .”