My Life Is Too Dark To See the Light | Page 33

implants. Those who had not had SRS, but whose bodies had both male and female characteristics, experienced severe limitations in terms of public services and legal rights. Although born male, Xiaoyu considers herself a woman and has had breast implants for many years. She says: “The hardest thing is bathing, which I can only do at home. Here in the north we like to go to public bath houses, where people can rub your back nice and clean. But I don’t look like a man or a woman, so I never know if I can go in. Sometimes when it’s later and there are fewer customers, I go to a men’s shower room, but the boss makes me leave, saying my appearance will scare other customers away. It’s because I have long hair and breasts.”98 China does not have gender-neutral public toilets, and many of the facilities in the cities are basic with little privacy. Xiao Huli usually goes out in women’s clothes: “Sometimes going to the toilet outside is very stressful. For example, sometimes when I need to go, the public toilet on my way doesn’t have stalls but is just pits with no doors. Wearing women’s clothing, there’s no way I can go into a men’s toilet. But I’m still not the same as a woman, and even when I use my handbag as an obstruction, if someone would happen to see me, they’d be sure to accuse me of being a hooligan and beat me.”99 Chinese law stipulates that only people who have undergone SRS can alter the gender marker on their identity cards. For transgender women who have not undergone SRS, but who identify and live as women, the gender and photograph on their identity cards is therefore male, and this causes many obstacles in their daily lives. First among the difficulties is renting an apartment. Xiao Dongbei’s method is to hide her female get-up: “When I rented this apartment, my hair wasn’t too long, and then I pinned my hair up and wore a hat, and that was better. Also, you can’t arrange to rent an apartment in the summer – you have to do it in winter. That way you can wear a hat and thick clothing. That’s how I do it.”100But Yanyan wasn’t so lucky. On three different occasions, a landlord was ready to sign a lease with her, but then refused after seeing her gender as male on her identity card.101 Other interviewees have had friends 98 Interview with Xiaoyu, Beijing, April 14, 2014. 99 Interview with Xiao Huli, Shanghai, May 27, 2014. 100 Interview with Xiao Dongbei, Beijing, April 28, 2014. 101 Interview with Yanyan, Shanghai, June 16, 2014. 27