Monthly Crucial Conversations April 2014 April 2014 | Page 4

Dear Annoyed,
This sounds like a classic case of being stuck. I define "stuck" as not getting results you want, getting
results that you don't want, failing relationships, recurring problems, or being frequently bugged. Our
Crucial Conversations book and training contain a set of skills that helps you get unstuck. These skills
help you solve situations characterized by high stakes, opposing opinions, and strong emotions. Before
I offer some advice, I want to take a moment to suggest how these situations generally develop, and
hope this note will motivate everyone to speak up early.
Here is the main point. Chattiness, like tardiness, or sloppiness, doesn't happen suddenly—it sort of
sneaks in or evolves. No one or no team starts the day by saying, "Look we have typically been getting
eight hours of effective work done every day, but now I suggest that we chat for three hours and work
for five. Won't that be fun?" And I doubt any group started chatting three hours the first day. Social
time most likely increased by a few minutes every day. Lower standards creep in little by little, here
and there, which can make the problem hard to notice.
With that background, my first bit of advice is to catch problems early. When you catch them early, it's
easier to speak up. Early on, you might have been able to say something like, "Hey team, I have a lot
of work to do, and it 's hard to get it done when we talk this much. I can be chatty myself; however,
I'm wondering if we could chat during breaks and lunch and focus on work when it's work time. That
would really help us all out. What do you say?" Early on, you are not dealing with a long pattern; there
is no new, lower norm. It's just easier for anyone to speak up early. Even if you have let the problem
grow over time by remaining silent until now, the sooner you choose to say something, the easier the
crucial conversation will be. Remember that when any of us see that we are stuck, we have three options.
We can stay silent. Often we don't want to speak up because we feel it's not our job, we don't want
to make waves, or don't want to lose a friend. But I would caution you—silence is the petri dish upon
which lower standards grow.
We blow up. We've had it "up to here." So we explode with something like, "Give me a break! Shut
up, you gossip mongers, will you??? I can't get my work done." Again, be careful. Leading with emotions and labels is the dynamite that weakens relationships.
We speak up with candor and courtesy. When we do this, we show that we value both the
standard and the relationship and that we are speaking up to maintain both.
If you try the third option, you should be prepared with what you'll say or do next. Often, people are
silent, not because they don't think they can bring up a topic, but because they are fearful they won't
be able to deal with the response. The key to preparing is to assess the situation and relationship and
think about what might happen if you speak up and then get ready with some responses.
As an example: You begin the conversation as stated above and someone responds with one of the
following statements.
• "Who died and left you in charge?" This is an opportunity to share your intention with what you are
and are not trying to do—otherwise known as contrasting. You might say, "I’m not trying to be bossy
here. I value you as friends and we all have a lot of work to do. I'm just trying to solve a problem I'm
facing and asking my coworkers for help."
• "Since when did you become Captain Perfect? You're just as bad as I am." Again, share your intention. "I realize that I'm part of the problem. That's why I used the word we. I don't want to come
across as a perfectionist; I'm just trying to find a solution to a situation that is affecting all of us."
• The other person simply nods and rolls his or her eyes. You can tell that right at this moment he or
she is thinking statements like the ones above or worse. You might say, "I realize this is a tough
subject. It was very hard for me to bring this up because I'm part of the problem. I still want to talk
and visit with you. I also want to get a lot of work done. It looks like I've bothered a few of you by
bringing this topic up. I'm asking if we can find a solution that will help us get the work done and still
be friendly."
Of course there are no "ideal" scripts to use in situations like this one. It's hard for me to offer options
when I know so little about the details or circumstances. But I assure you that you will find your own,
more effective scripts if you prepare and have the purpose of finding a solution while also maintaining
or strengthening the relationship.
Remember to speak up early in a candid and courteous way and to prepare for responses that will help
clarify your intentions.
I wish you the best, Al