Relationships
You ’ re dating my Ex ? By Paula Quinsee
It ’ s hard enough to find the right life-partner , without trying to date the former partner of a close friend , which can bring all sorts of complications and challenges .
Images : iStock & Vecteezy
There ’ s an unwritten social code of conduct when it comes to dating a friend ’ s Ex : It ’ s “ not the done thing ,” and should be avoided at all costs . But what if your friend decides to go ahead anyway ? How does this affect your friendship going forward , and how do you know if you ’ re Ok with the situation ?
There can be various reasons why a friend would date your Ex , such as a genuine romantic interest , or there could be a hidden agenda , especially If they have not taken your feelings or friendship into consideration and the potential impact on your friendship . If this is the case , you may want to relook the value of your friendship . Open communication is key when it comes to dating a friend ’ s Ex , it ’ s a sign of respect for your friendship and the value you hold for your friend first and foremost , above his or her Ex .
Trusting a friend who dates your Ex depends on the circumstances and the dynamics of your friendship , as well as how your relationship ended with your Ex . Trust is a very complex matter , and it ’ s important to do some reflection on your feelings , the reasons behind the break-up , your role in the break-up , and the nature of your relationship with both your Ex and your friend .
Talking About Timing
Another factor to consider is how recent your break-up was , as it can still be quite raw for you . It ’ s also important to note how your friend has approached you on this situation : Have they been transparent with you about the situation before pursuing a relationship with your Ex , or has this been going on behind your back ? It may be challenging initially to trust your friend , but if there has been open , upfront communication about the situation , as a sign of respect for your feelings and friendship , it can help to navigate this situation better .
Initially , it may be a challenge to be in the same space and social circles with each other , so it ’ s important to discuss your intentions with your friend before pursuing a relationship with their ex-partner . This allows you both to express your feelings and concerns , potentially avoiding misunderstandings and hurt feelings .
It can also help to put some boundaries between you for a period of time , so that you can all adjust to the new relationship context .
Dating a friend ’ s Ex can have a significant impact on the friendship , especially if the friend feels betrayed or hurt by the situation . It may strain or even end the friendship , but some friendships are strong enough to withstand such challenges , especially if both parties are understanding , empathetic , and willing to work through their feelings because they genuinely want the best for each other .
The Important Questions
End of the day , pursuing a friend ’ s ex-partner is generally not advisable , as it can complicate things , resulting in hurt feelings , and even potentially damage the friendship . It ’ s important to consider the potential consequences and the feelings of all parties involved . If you have strong feelings for your friend ’ s partner , it ’ s best to communicate openly with your friend and assess the situation carefully , understanding the potential risk at play .
Are you willing to risk losing the friendship for what may appear to be romantic feelings ? Do you want to be what is potentially a rebound relationship , and do you want to be the cause of friendship circles splitting up , as people invariably choose sides , even if they don ’ t mean to . And is it all worth it ? Only you can answer these questions .
Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans , facilitating connection between men , women and couples . She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy Educator and Facilitator , NLP Practitioner , PDA Analyst , coach and trainer . She has authored two self-help guides : Embracing Conflict and Embracing No , as is an international speaker , advocate for mental health and activist for gender-based violence . More info at www . engagedhumans . com .
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