Relationships
Back to the Ex ? By Paula Quinsee
Why is it so tempting to get back with an ex-partner ? There are probably many reasons , but these are some of the most common ones , and the pros and cons of going back .
Getting back with an ex can be tempting for several reasons :
• The good times – remembering the good times and positive feelings of the past can make us feel nostalgic , and long for a return to that time , completely forgetting or ignoring why the relationship ended in the first place .
• Comfort and familiarity – loneliness can creep in over time , and being with someone familiar can provide a sense of security and comfort , as you already know each other well , so the idea of companionship versus being alone can make getting back with an ex seem more appealing .
• Unfinished business – sometimes couples feel that there are unresolved issues , or that they made a mistake by breaking up , so they get back together to give the relationship another chance .
Short Memories
People often forget the reasons for their breakups , because over time , the negative aspects of the relationship can fade . We tend to reminisce over old memories and good times shared , so we focus only on the positive memories , forgetting the challenges experienced during the relationship . We also have an emotional attachment to our ex ( life experiences , memories , dreams shared , etc ) which can overshadow the problems that led to the breakup in the first place .
That said , sometimes after a breakup , a person will embark on a healing journey , resulting in personal growth that can lead them to reevaluate past issues through a different lens , being willing to take accountability of their own role and behaviour and wanting to try again .
Pros of Going Back
Some of the benefits of getting back with an ex can include having someone to share life ’ s ups and downs with , especially if you have worked through your issues of the past . There is a shared history , and memories together , which can provide a level of comfort and security , and you ’ ve worked through most of the teething problems that come with a new relationship , as you already have a deeper understanding of each other ’ s needs , preferences and quirky traits . Lastly , having had some time apart to reflect and do some self-work , it puts you in a position to improve your relationship going forward , by doing things differently this time round .
Drawbacks or Dangers
If there is a lack of self-work and reflection on past issues that caused the breakup , it can result in a recurrence of old problems . There can also be trust issues on an emotional level if past issues haven ’ t been resolved , as one partner may feel insecure in the intentions and agenda of the other , wondering when things might go pear-shaped again . Couples may also face resistance from friends and family , especially if the relationship is perceived to have been a toxic one , and they fear the couple will fall back into familiar , unhealthy patterns .
Avoiding the Same Mistakes
To avoid repeating the same mistakes , it ’ s important to work through issues that led to the breakdown of the relationship by communicating openly about past issues and future concerns , and establishing clear boundaries around expectations . Also , it is always recommended that couples seek professional help in the form of therapy or counselling . However , changing relationship patterns is not possible if couples are not willing to do the work required , which consists of a commitment to personal growth , a willingness to change behaviour , and the energy to push through the trying times and come out stronger on the other side .
When Can it Work ?
Partners who have done the self-work , grown as individuals and are willing to address issues together , are more likely to make their relationship work a second time round . This entails a willingness to be flexible , respecting each other ’ s individuality and not wanting to change each other , and being able to have open honest communication . Often , a relationship can be rebuilt if the breakup was due to bad timing , circumstances , or external factors , versus incompatibility .
When Should it be Avoided ?
Where a relationship was toxic or abusive , or a partner had personal issues such as addictions of any nature , or there is a lack of boundaries , mutual interests or compatibility , then there is little chance that a reconciliation will be successful .
Just remember that every relationship and situation is unique , so a person should take the time to reflect on the reasons for the breakup , and what are their real motivations for wanting to reconcile with an ex , before acting on it . If needed , seek input from friends and family who can offer a different perspective , or a professional who can help you work through the insights as part of your own personal development , and help you make an informed decision .
Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans , facilitating connection between men , women and couples . She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy Educator and Facilitator , NLP Practitioner , PDA Analyst , coach and trainer . She has authored two self-help guides : Embracing Conflict and Embracing No , as is an international speaker , advocate for mental health and activist for gender-based violence . More info at www . engagedhumans . com .
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