Mindiac | Page 42

“One practical way to do this is to look at other people and ask yourself if you are really seeing them or just your thoughts about them.”

― Jon Kabat-Zinn

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active listening exercise

Goal: Use this technique to make others feel more understood and improve relationship satisfaction.

Time: At least 10 minutes. Try to make time for this practice at least once per week.

Often we’ll listen to a conversation partner without really hearing them – in the process, we miss opportunities to connect with that person. This exercise helps you express active interest in what the other person has to say and makes him or her feel heard – a way to foster empathy and connection. This technique is especially valuable for difficult conversations (such as disagreements with coworkers) and for expressing support.

Instructions: Find a quiet place where you can talk with your partner without interruption or distraction. Invite him or her to share what’s on his or her mind. As he or she does so, try to follow the steps below. You don’t need to cover every step, but the more you do cover, the more effective this practice is likely to be.

1. Paraphrase: Once the other person has finished expressing a thought,paraphrase what he or she said to make sure you understand and toshow that you are paying attention. Helpful ways to paraphrase include“What I hear you saying is…” “It sounds like…” and “If I understand you right ...”

2. Ask questions: When appropriate, ask questions to encourage the other person to elaborate on his or her thoughts andfeelings. Avoid jumping to conclusions about what the other person means. Instead ask questions to clarify his or her meaning, such as, “When you say_____, do you mean_____”?

3. Express empathy: If theother person voices negative feelings, strive to validate these feelings rather than questioning or defending against them. For example, if the speaker expresses frustration, try to consider why he or she feels that way, regardless of whether you think that feeling is justified or whether you would feel that way yourself if you were in his or her position. You might respond, “I can sense that you’re feelingfrustrated,” and even “I canunderstand how that situation could cause frustration.”

Use engaged body language: Show that you are engaged and interestedby making eye contact, nodding, facing the other person, andmaintainingan open and relaxed body posture. Avoid attending to distractions in your environment or checking your phone. Be mindful of your facial expressions: Avoid expressions that might communicate disapproval or disgust.

Avoid judgment: Your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective and accept it for what it is, even if you disagree with it. Try not to interrupt with counter arguments or mentally prepare a rebuttal while the other person is speaking.

Avoid giving advice: Problem-solving is likely to be more effective after both conversation partners understand one another’s perspective and feel heard. Moving too quickly into advice-giving can be counterproductive.

Take turns: After the other person has had a chance to speak and you have engaged in the active listening steps above, ask it it’s okay for you to share your perspective. When sharing your perspective, express yourself as clearly as possibly using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when you don’t help our around the house”). It may also be helpful, when relevant, to express empathy for the other person's perspective (e.g., “I know you’ve been very busy lately and don’t mean to leave me hanging..”)

If you want a quicker active listening exercise please refer to the HEAR exercise.

Time: 5-7 minutes

HALT – Halt whatever you are doing and offer your full attention

ENJOY — Enjoy a breath as you choose to receive whatever is being communicated to you—wanted or unwanted.

ASK — Ask yourself if you really know what they mean and if you don’t, ask for clarification. Instead of making assumptions, bring openness and curiosity to the interaction. You might be surprised at what you discover.

REFLECT — Reflect back to them what you heard. This tells them that you were really listening.

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