Makeup and accessories are
nowhere to be found in the
origin story.
“Excuse me, could I borrow your mirror for a … Oh my
god, you’re Spider-Woman!”
Then the movie ends. No sequel. No reboot. And now
Right. Merchandise. It was, technically, a Spider-Man
compact. Same logic applies. Bruce Wayne doesn’t keep his
pants up with Batman’s utility belt, Aquaman doesn’t use
that I mention it, where is the Spider-Woman movie?
the public pool, and Toby Maguire doesn’t pretty up with a
Because there is indeed a Spider-Woman. I Googled her
compact. That’s what standing next to Leonardo DiCaprio
origin story. That alter ego, Jessica Drew, grew up on a
is for.
uranium farm, was inevitably poisoned, then saved by her
(I know. Toby Maguire isn’t the new Spider-Man, but I
mad-scientist father, who injected her with untested spi-
have no idea who they’re using these days. I’ve made my
der serum (must have seemed like a good idea?) and locked
peace with the fact that Toby Maguire is probably the last
her in a genetic accelerator. What he missed in Father’s
Spider-Man I’ll ever know. Unless they come around to Af-
Day cards he made up for by being able to say, “I made
fleck, because the world always comes around to Affleck.)
Spider-Woman what she is today.”
Spider-Woman’s corporate origin story is a little more
direct: Marvel wanted to nail down the copyright.
Still, Spider-Woman seems like a tough character and
I like tough characters. I especially like tough characters I
Still, Spider-Woman
seems like a tough
character and I like
tough characters.
I especially like
tough characters
I can point my
daughter toward.
Which brings us back to McDonald’s. Or me to McDonald’s because without a doubt you’re a better parent than
me in this one regard. We can at least agree that a Happy
Meal beats untested spider serum.
The good news, of course, is, that like all cheap plastic
can point my daughter toward. She knows not of Spider-
toys, this one was quickly forgotten. Or lost. Or hidden.
Woman. She knows only Spider-Man, because you need
And the next time we swung into the drive-thru (“at least
only be alive in this country to know of Spider-Man.
it’s not a genetic accelerator,” I told myself), we didn’t get
Every six or eight months there’s a new Spider-Man
movie that isn’t substantially different from the last
the question. We got a Pokemon toy, which was easy. I
knew what to do with Pokemon. I do it all the time.
Spider-Man movie, but for a slightly better waxed leading
“What is it?” my daughter said.
man. You know the drill: Peter Parker, radioactive spider,
“I don’t know.” n
Uncle Ben nooooooooooo, a love interest, super villain, big
fight, good guys win, merchandise, fin.
metro-parent.com | August 2014
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