TODDLER
About the author
Anne Cawood is a registered
social worker, who runs a private
practice and is also a primary
school counsellor. She is also
the author of 5 books, including
Toddlers need boundaries:
Effective discipline without
punishment (Metz Press)
All ofher books are also
available in Afrikaans.
http://boundariesinc.co.za
Don’t judge
Be a role model
Adults are allowed to have bad days and crises,
but it is also crucial to try and express any negative
feelings and opinions in non-judgmental ways.
Always try to address the behaviour and not the
personality of the toddler. “I get very upset when
toys are thrown” is a more positive way of speaking
than “You are a horrible little boy to throw a
toy at me!”.
A lways remember that in choosing how to
discipline our children we are acting as powerful
role models. If we resort to shouting and smacking,
we are sending a message that it is okay to be
aggressive and to use power over others. We must
also ask ourselves, “Could there have been a better
way?”. And there always is a better way than yelling
and hurting.
Of course, the basis of effective discipline is to
try and rid oneself of any outdated views of what
discipline is. It is not the same as the old versions
of punishment – which were harsh, external and
often humiliating. Discipline is teaching, guiding
and socialising. It means setting age-appropriate
boundaries, and then allowing your toddler to
begin learning from the consequences of her
choices. The consequences do not have to be too
punitive, and need to be related to the age of
the child.
For example:
1. State the rule or boundary clearly: “The toys
must be put away before we can switch the TV on.”
2. Give a choice that involves a consequence:
“If you put away the toys you can watch your
favourite TV show – but if you don’t, no TV.”
3. Follow through with the consequence: “I see
that you have chosen not to watch TV.”
The reality is that your toddler will most likely
throw a tantrum. Stay calm and connected. Never
give in to a temper tantrum. Say “I know you are
mad”, but then firmly add, “we had a deal and you
chose not to put the toys away, so we will watch
your show tomorrow.”
It is usually our adult inability to control our
reactions that leads us to lash out. We need to
realise that we have a choice as to how we react,
and as a result of our choice of reaction we are
sowing the seeds of our toddler’s future behaviour.
Take time out – for yourself
Finally, the parents of toddlers need to ensure that
they take time to replenish their own emotional
tanks. Ensure that you have time for yourself and
for your partner, friends and colleagues. Toddlers
take a huge amount of time and energy. They
need parents or carers who are able to provide
boundaries, while at the same time also
understanding the toddler’s very challenging
stage of development, and who are willing to
learn effective skills and strategies that will equip
the toddler to move forward into childhood, and
later adolescence, with a good sense of
independence and positive self-esteem.
Harsh and punitive methods of discipline will only
lead to an escalation of aggression and repression
in the child. However, firm, consistent and
age-appropriate rules and limits will provide the
toddler with a sense of emotional safety and
physical containment.
Enjoy your toddler. This is such a precious time as
she changes from the dependency of babyhood
to the autonomy of toddlerhood.