“Help toddlers realise their feelings are acceptable,
while simultaneously setting boundaries on behaviour
that is unacceptable”
Effective discipline
without punishment
In my opinion, and based on my many
years’ of experience as both a mother to
4 children and grandmother to
4 grandchildren, as well as a parent and
child counsellor, toddlerhood is the most
crucial stage of development for the
formation of positive and effective
parenting skills, which will set the scene
for the many years which lie ahead.
Many parents have asked me: “When is
the right time to start disciplining my
toddler?”. In order to give an appropriate
answer, I need to go back a bit.
Needs vs demands
It is important to accept that babies
need to have their many basic needs met.
You cannot “spoil” a newborn. By meeting
a baby’s needs, basic trust is built up.
This trust forms the crux of healthy
personality development.
However, at about the middle of their first
year, a baby’s needs turn into demands.
That is the time when you gently begin to
set appropriate limits. For example, if you
have fed, changed, cuddled and played
with baby, it is then time to allow her to
begin experiencing the reality that others
also have needs and demands, and that
hers cannot be met immediately. This
forms the basis for the setting of those
gradual and gentle boundaries.
The baby stage then rapidly becomes
the much-dreaded toddler stage (about
18 months to 3 years). It is very important
to grasp the essential characteristics of
this stage. The psychologist Eric Erikson
calls this the stage of autonomy vs shame
and doubt. The baby emerges from the
cocoon of infancy and begins to express
her unique individuality. She does this by
exerting her power over her caregivers.
This is manifested in all the typical
behaviours which are so often described
as “the terrible 2’s”.
The power of “no”
You will find she is resistant to control.
For example, she will not eat, sleep or go
to the toilet when instructed to. Why?
Because she is learning the power of “no”
and her ability to resist control. Your
toddler is not able to be rational or logical.
She is also egocentric. That is, she believes
that she is the centre of the universe and
no one else matters. Your toddler is
unable to show empathy towards others –
this ability will only develop as she grows
and matures.
Harsh, punitive discipline and unrealistic
expectations can lead to the “shame and
doubt” of Erikson’s theory. This essentially
means that your toddler will not develop
a healthy sense of ability and self-esteem.
It’s unfortunate when adults view a toddler’s
irrational and impetuous behaviour as
intentional naughtiness. It may be
unacceptable and need to be limited, but
it is necessary to view it as “normal” for
her age and stage of development.
It’s in the wiring
Another factor to take into consideration
is that of basic temperament. Babies are
all genetically wired to manifest certain
unique character traits. Some are “wired”
to be amenable and calm, and others to
be stubborn and reactive. It is important
that parents learn effective management
skills – and, in the case of toddlers, this
means helping your toddler learn to
express her negative emotions in a socially
acceptable manner.
This means finding ways in which to help
her express the negative feelings in
acceptable ways by, for example, throwing
a bean bag in the garden, jumping up
and down, shredding an old magazine
etc. Putting a “lid” on her feelings will not
help her learn that these feelings are
acceptable, but certain behaviours are not.
Therefore, if you have a toddler who is
“wired” to be stubborn and challenging,
and she also at this stage wants to exert
power and independence, you can see
how ineffective parenting methods can
lead to enormous problems in the future.
Understanding these factors, and
developing an accepting and positive
mindset, will certainly help in the
formation of effective discipline strategies
as this little person grows towards the
preschool stage.
Dealing with feelings
It is so important for parents and carers of
toddlers to understand the importance of
helping toddlers to realise that their
feelings are always acceptable, although
very often their behaviour will not be.
“ Harsh, punitive discipline
and unrealistic expectations can
lead to shame & doubt ”
It is so natural to name objects for
toddlers such as, “Look at the pretty
balloons”. Adults seem to find it easy
to name “things” for the child – from a
very early age. It is not as easy to begin
identifying the emotions that your baby/
toddler is experiencing, however, it is just
as important to begin doing so such as, “I
can see that you are very frustrated”. You
need to be able to allow the feeling, while
simultaneously setting boundaries on
behaviour that is unacceptable.
For example, “I can see that you are
very angry, but we do not hurt people
when we are angry.” This is such a vital
life skill – and the core of future
emotional intelligence.
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