BA BY
Romance
after a baby
Rekindling
There is no doubt about it, having a baby
is life changing. Nothing quite prepares you
for your precious new treasure or how the
baby is going to impact on your relationship
with your partner. Which is why it is important
to have the right mindset for this big life
event – as explained by relationship
consultant, Ali Murray.
Some moms just to seem to sail through pregnancy
and having babies. They seem to be “natural-born”
moms. They have a natural birth, get their figures back
in 3 weeks, take to breastfeeding like ducks to water
and their babies sleep through from 6 weeks. On top
of that, they always seem to have wonderfully
supportive and loving husbands and they say that
they are looking forward to having another 5 children!
Okay – so what about the rest of us normal people?
I think there is a lot to be said for the manner in which
traditional African culture handles childbirth. In these
cultures, as soon as a baby is born she is whisked off
with the mom to be looked after by female elders.
These women, who understand the process and have
been there and done it, will take care of the mom and
baby for the first 3 months.
This includes helping mom to get going with
breastfeeding, pacifying and winding the baby so
mom can get more sleep, and also feeding the mom
and making sure she gets lots of rest. Household
chores are also handled. This means mom can
completely focus on bonding with her baby.
Western culture, on the other hand, presumes that
motherhood is something that just happens naturally
and easily for the mom, without the need for outside
support – except perhaps a few weeks stay from the
new mom’s mom to “help out”.
The result is a long and lonely maternity leave period.
Exhaustion, lack of sleep, the constant smell of vomit
and stinky nappies, and absent husbands who have to
return to work, all take their toll on a new mom.
Slowly but surely resentment starts to settle in: “I
thought we were having this baby together, so how
come I am here at home doing this all on my own?”.
Okay, so if this is sounding a bit like your life at the
moment who cares about the romance? You probably
just want to have a cup of tea with your girlfriends
without having to feed a baby. Even more than that,
you just want a good night’s sleep. When baby came
home through the front door you turned into a
mother and, somehow, being a lover does not
seem that important anymore.
Here are a few steps to help you to preserve
your relationship through baby’s first year:
1. Be kind to yourself in the first 3 months. Get as
much sleep as you can and sleep when your baby
sleeps. Don’t try to be superwoman. You have just
had a baby, your hormones are settling in, your milk is
coming in, and the most important task for the first 3
months is for you to settle in with your baby and get
your baby into a good sleeping routine ASAP. When
you are getting enough sleep and rest, everything else
starts to settle into place.
2. If you are a neat freak – STOP IT! Let the dust
settle on things or get a full-time housekeeper/
granny/mom/aunty/sister to help you.
3. If you have a lot of friends and family visiting to see
the baby, set up a big flask or urn of hot water, tea and
coffee, and a big box of biscuits and let your guests
help themselves. Let them serve you a cup of tea while
you feed your baby and if you are tired it’s okay to
thank them for visiting and then ask them to please
leave so that you can get some sleep.
4. Let your husband help you. Yes, he is probably
going to put the nappy on backwards a few times, be
“christened” in the eye, and will struggle to get the
formula ready. It’s okay to let him try, so leave the baby
with him for 2 to 3 hours while you get some sleep. It’s
important for your husband to bond and get to know
your baby too.