Reflections
Reflections
Fawzia Ali-Kimanthi
No … Is A Full Sentence!
I have a friend who has very strong boundaries. She is able to say no so graciously I am always in awe. She protects her time. She is firm. She is consistent.
For many of us, saying NO feels harder than saying yes. We say yes when we are tired. Yes when our schedules are already full. Yes when we don’ t really want to go. Yes when we don’ t have the capacity to help. Yes because we are afraid of disappointing someone. Yes because we have spent years being the dependable one.
And then we wonder why we feel exhausted, resentful, overwhelmed and empty. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can say- to yourself and even to others- is NO!
Learning to say No
Most of us have spent much of our lives accommodating other peoples’ needs. This has given us a very good title, that we are reliable and dependable. As a result, much more is always loaded on us. You may feel guilty and uncomfortable. You may worry that people will think you are selfish, difficult or uncaring. This is more so if it is family or our close friends or our colleagues at work latching on our generosity.
10 MAL74 / 26 ISSUE
What we all need to learn though is, that discomfort does not mean you are doing something wrong. Sometimes discomfort is simply the feeling of learning a new boundary.
You don’ t have to explain your entire life to justify a NO: No, I can’ t take that on right now; No, I won’ t be able to make it; I don’ t have the capacity for this at the moment; Thank you for thinking of me, but I’ ll pass; That’ s not something I want to commit to.
Sometimes, simply say NO! No is a full sentence!
When should you say No?
When you honestly need to focus on your goals
You made a plan to build your savings. You have cut on discretionary expenditure because there is a target you want to achieve by the end of the year. However, there are constant demands for you to support. Sometimes you cannot rescue everyone while building your own life.
But you are also allowed to have priorities. If your goals require focus, discipline and sacrifice, it is okay to say: I can’ t take this on right now. You don’ t have to abandon your dreams to make someone else’ s life easier.
When you are tired and cannot take another assignment
You are a high performer. You always volunteer to take up new projects. As a result everyone leans on you. However sometime even the best of us run on empty.
You don’ t need to wait until you completely break down before you acknowledge that you are tired. Rest is not something you earn after exhaustion. Rest is part of a discipline to build capacity and resilience to do more in the future. The most responsible thing you can do is recognize your capacity before you exceed it.
When your yes is enabling another adult
Do you have someone who you are always bailing out of routine expenditures? Not once or twice but very regularly. The person you are supporting has a habit they need to deal with whether it is drinking, or gambling or getting into numerous business ideas. We must help our friends. However, there are time when helping someone is not the