Part 2: Eating Disorders
“Eating Disorders, they are not just about worrying about the number on the scale. You don't have to be stick thin to have an eating disorder. You constantly worry about how you look; constantly thinking less of yourself, constantly worrying if a piece of chocolate is going to make you gain 5 pounds. Looking over the toilet thinking you aren't good enough. Constantly worrying if anyone will here you cry or purge. You don't want to go out in public because you are terrified that everyone's going to see what you ate. Eating disorders to me doesn't really have an exact definition because there's too much to cover. It’s the most dangerous mental illness out there and it has the highest mortality rate than any other mental illness. Just the fear of living a full life, the fear of smelling food or even looking at it is the most disgusting feeling. Every time I look at food it disgusts me, I want throw up because of the smell, or even the look of it. The sadness the pain that this disease puts you in is the worst feeling ever. You have all the help in the world waiting for you but you don’t take it. The disease is a physical high and it’s addicting. It’s a ever ending circle of emotions, but once you get help, it’s hard, that’s the only hard part. You feel weak and worthless and you feel like you’ll never go back to what you were, the little girl that loved life and laughed and actually smiled.
I thought the world was turning against me. I thought my friends were there to see me suffer and laugh at me I felt like they were never there. That’s the disease putting those feelings inside my head. You didn’t know when the disease was going to talk for you or if you were. The disease was my best friend but my worst enemy. But once you get that help that everyone’s been offering it’s the greatest feeling in the world. You can finally see light at the end of the tunnel. You can see your old life coming back slowly and slowly and the light and life comes back into you. You learn to love again you learn how to live again. How to be happy and free! You finally laugh and smile again. Yes the journey is hard getting through it; just ask me I've been through the ringer for the past 5 years. But I get through it and once you get past those thoughts in your head screaming at you it’s the greatest feeling because you finally free. You’re free! And when you’re free you live life and life is terrible sometimes but look at it there is so much to live for and I learned that I’m worth it. I’m worth living this glorious life. I’m worth anything.”
-T.M.S