OPINION
20. Should you wake up a sleepwalker?
Only if he knows the answer to James Thurber’ s father’ s eternal question:“ Name some towns in New Jersey!”
21. Will using your mobile phone disrupt the airplane? It might cause a slight buzzing noise in the pilot’ s headset. And you will keep losing your network since planes go faster than cars. Only use their Wi-Fi and use airplane mode when the staff says to. Don’ t be a jerk.
22. Will eating yams help you conceive? This is doubtful. They are not known for their sperm count.
23. Will cranberry juice treat a UTI? No, and it will taste bad and make you miss your mother’ s dressing. Call your doctor please.
24. Do you need vaccines? Yes. ALL possible vaccines. Not to put too fine a point on it, but are you an idiot? Ask your doctor( not Rand Paul) what you need.
25. Can you get pregnant when you’ re breastfeeding? Yes, even if you have not yet had a period. My buddy Col. Marilyn Rhodes, USAF( Ret.) taught me this. She has delivered thousands of babies.
26. What happens if you get the flu? Feel intensely sorry for yourself. Go to bed. Take Tylenol. Drink hot toddies. Do not go to work. Do not pass“ go.” Whine, within acceptable limits. Don’ t be a pain. Read murder mysteries; soon you will feel better than the corpse. NEVER run out of lemons or bourbon or honey; your friends will make a delivery once, but the Scout motto holds here – Be Prepared. When better, say“ I think I could manage a saltine.”
27. Do you have to wash your hands in hot water? I’ m glad you asked about handwashing. No, but you have to have water and soap. Skip that horrible sticky hand sanitizer whenever possible.
28. Do fans make you sick with all that air moving around? Carrying germs?
No. Not unless they are of the opposite persuasion.
29. Do you have to take your blood pressure medicine? Yes, unless you are an idiot. Stroke rehab is better than ever, but why take chances with your brain? You’ ve only got the one.
30. Can you wear flip flops all day? How often are you planning to stub your toe? N-O, no.
31. Do you have to take your cholesterol medicine? See answer # 29. Perhaps you are an idiot. Would you prefer to have a heart attack?
32. Does air conditioning make you sick? Are you nuts? AC is a fabulous invention. Dogs love it too. You can always put on a layer, but you can’ t go around undressed.
33. Should you treat your Ohio Valley allergies? Yes. You will breathe better. You will not have pockets full of soggy Kleenex, either.
34. Do you have to wear a bike helmet? Always. No exceptions. Is organ donation in your life plan?
35. How late is late, blooming-wise? If you are not a concert pianist by the time you are 30, I doubt you will become one. However, many other careers remain open to those who do not take Early Decision. Follow your dreams.
36. If you don’ t have chest pain, is it still a heart attack? Sure could be. Feeling“ stopped” in your chest counts. Nausea, sweatiness, faintness – call 911, stat! EMS is there to help you( though sometimes the firefighters show up first).
37. Can you go outside with wet hair? Yes, but if it is 12 degrees out, you will regret it.
38. Do you have to sleep the whole eight hours? Ideally, yes. Naps are nice too. The older you are, the more you might sleep in split shifts. Keep a good book handy.
39. Should you drink fancy juice mixes to detoxify yourself? No, you should not go on benders that make you feel horrible: all good things in moderation. Drink lots of water if you have been unwise, and put that lampshade back where you found it.
40. Who gets the last shot? Michael Jordan. If he is not available, do your best.
Dr. Barry is an internist and Associate Professor of Medicine( Gratis Faculty) at the University of Louisville School of Medicine, currently retired and mulling her next moves.
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