IT TAKES TWO by PATRICK HAYDEN , MD
Anna and I met as classmates in medical school ( University of Louisville , class of ‘ 97 ). I remember her usual seat in that lecture hall , just two rows ahead of me and about 10 seats to my left . She was as strikingly beautiful then as she is now ; she was maddeningly on time for class ( as opposed to me , running in late to most lectures ). She always appeared poised , calm and prepared for whatever torture medical school would serve up that day ( again as opposed to me , who was only able to focus on one cataclysm at a time ).
Our friendship changed – deepened and strengthened – as we moved to our clerkships . We were on the same rotation schedule that third year of medical school , enabling us to spend significant amounts of time together . We supported each other emotionally and helped each other academically ; we worked together on medical teams , studied together and took night call together . And we increasingly relaxed together – bike rides in Seneca and Cherokee Parks , hikes in Bernheim Forest , movies and occasional dinners . Soon Anna was the first person I wanted to talk to each morning , and she was very often the last person I talked to each night , as we developed a habit of “ checking in ” with each other at day ’ s end . I think our relationship was ( and is ) so rooted in friendship that romance and love were the natural and easy next steps for us .
That same teamwork has helped us manage a busy family life , and those shared interests and similar priorities have strengthened our marriage , helping us get through the rough times all couples encounter . We have two teenage daughters , Natalie ( 17 ) and Lila ( 15 ), each of whom is far busier than I ever was as a kid . As a dermatologist , my wife mainly practices in the outpatient arena ( with her primary office not that far from our older daughter ’ s school ); Anna has flexibility and can nimbly change her schedule when things invariably come up with our daughters . As a nephrologist , I take care of both outpatients and inpatients , and especially because of the responsibilities in caring for the latter group there are often after-hours consults on sick people who frequently need immediate assessment , whether that be a weeknight or a weekend . My schedule is not flexible , and many days find me spending significantly more hours in the hospital than at home . My wife ’ s ability and willingness to be at times the single parent is a testament to her devotion to our daughters and her reluctant acceptance of my career choice .
My wife and daughters exhibit ( usually ) tremendous patience and generous understanding of my profession , with its long hours and unpredictability , all of which is made more harried by working in a very busy , high-volume hospital . Anna understands that patients with kidney disease are often sick and complicated ; she took care of such patients both during medical school and during her preliminary year of internal medicine prior to beginning her dermatology residency . Further , her father ( George Abraham , MD ) had multiple myeloma and subsequently developed kidney failure before his death : she knows all too well how ill people with kidney disease can be . When I arrive not-infrequently late to family functions , having come from the office or the hospital , she usually sees the cup as half-full (“ He actually made it home !”) rather than as half-empty (“ He ’ s late again !”).
I again credit my wife for making our family life work . That same poise , equanimity and organization that served her well in medical school has carried over to our married life . She wears dozens of hats incredibly well ( in part by necessity as my balding head is sometimes nowhere to be found ): school tutor , chauffeur , chief cook , enforcer of piano and violin practice , primary pep-talk giver , vacation planner , driving instructor to Natalie , provider of birthday and Christmas gifts , back-seat driver par excellence ( a talent less valued than others ) and on and on . I often think that I am incredibly busy , but once my wife has to leave town and I have to do her job ( s ), I soon realize that my style of managing one crisis at a time is not nearly as effective or efficient or artful as multitasking .
Once we are together at home – though usually she has had a several-hour head start – we begin our evenings by each giving a quick synopsis of all that transpired during the day . We share a similar sense of humor , and so our run-downs for the day often include the funny things that happened or made us smile or laugh . And as our daughters navigate high school and the ever-approaching journey to college , Anna and I increasingly spend a lot of time talking about Natalie and Lila and what we can do to ensure each is happy and successful in life . In that quest for happiness and balance , we try to get away when all of our schedules can converge . During many stressful times in medical school and later in training , making time to relax and unwind was vital for both Anna and me . And even more so now , with our busy family in this busy world , getting away is just as therapeutic now as it was then . A favorite destination for us is Red River Gorge , for invigorating hikes and later a quiet evening spent in a simple cabin , playing a board game or watching a movie . Family life is busy and hectic , whether parents are professionals or not . Our respect for each other and for what we each do – whether in our respective professions or in our roles as parents and spouses – and an abundance of patience have been pivotal in keeping our marriage strong .
Dr . Patrick Hayden is a Partner at Nephrology Associates of Kentuckiana and is Medical Director of the Fresenius East Louisville Dialysis Unit . He also served as Baptist Health Louisville Medical Staff President , 2021 . ( non-member )
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