Sam : Spunky Sam showed up on my service with a painful knee . She was quick-witted and one tough mom . We found MRSA in every place imaginable : invading her heart valves , boring into her vertebrae and creating pockets of pus in her thighs . One day , she looked me in the eye and said she wished she had been better for her boys , and I simply replied with “ I know .” She paused , and our bond was solidified in that moment . I tried to move on to discuss her treatment plan , but she asked , “ How do you know ?” I told her that I too have a son . I can close my eyes and put myself in her position with no effort . Her 16-year-old has been living the nightmare that is having a parent with addiction . As Sam worked through withdrawal and planned for the future , she wanted nothing more than to show her son the person she could be . But he could not visit . As of July , she was still in the hospital . I am not sure she will make it ; I couldn ’ t get control of the raging infection despite pumping endless amounts of antibiotics into her veins . My wish is that she gets better and her son can see her the way I did : sober , happy , reading books and doing crossword puzzles .
I held all of their hands , I told them all they were loved by their families . I did what was in my power , vowing to make sure they are clean , covered , comfortable and aware someone on this earth cares for them as they die in the most tragic way possible - totally alone .
At the end of each day , I got in my car to pick up my own babies .
FEATURE
With a smile on my face , I played , fed and bathed them , and the women floated out of my mind . But their stories came racing back as I nursed my 8-month-old daughter to sleep in the cold , dark silence . When I closed my eyes , I saw their faces . My mind oscillated between dying moms and my sweet , chubby-cheeked girl . My heart ached for them and their children .
These memories will stay with me forever , but I had the privilege of allowing them to roll off me , like beads of sweat after a hard day ’ s work . I could temporarily wash them away with my daily COVID-19 cleaning ritual . Their families can ’ t do that . They ’ ve been left to bear the weight of losing someone to addiction during this pandemic .
The negative effects these events will have on the children of these women is being heavily studied . Not saying goodbye to their moms may haunt them forever . I worry about the impact this will have on them as they enter adulthood . I wonder if it will be a barrier to ending the cycle of addiction , or if the devastation will be enough to keep them away from a life of substance abuse .
Dr . Gordon is an Assistant Professor of Medicine and Associate Program Director - Internal Medicine Residency at the University of Louisville School of Medicine ( non-member ).
* Dr . Gordon has nothing to disclose . All names had been changed to protect the identity of the patients . Edited by Lyndsey Gilpin , Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Southerly .
Save the Date Racial Inequity in Medicine
Three Virtual Seminars JANUARY 14th , FEBRUARY 11th & MARCH 11th 6PM
DECEMBER 2020 25