Can Black Men Be Faithful?
by D. A. Reeves
There exists within the scope of society that as it relates to black men and their relationships that they "are all dogs". In fact this is said about all men period. The question that is on the minds of most black women is the simple question, "Can black men be faithful in a relationship or marriage?"
There are some very complex reasons why both men and women are not faithful in a relationship and to even begin to tackle the most serious issues would fill a book. Having been a pastor for over 20 years, actually closer to 30 years, I have heard many issues and sought to aid many marriages in becoming stronger and more cohesively knit in love I have found that these are some of the most common reasons marriages and relationships enter into hardships:
1. Men feel vulnerable when they commit and if they are not celebrated in their committment they will feel betrayed.
When a man commits it is generally because he is smitten and is willing to give his heart to his significant other. Because men are typicall skeptical of the sincerity of people their view of women is the same. These feelings of skepticism did not just begin as an adult. Remember the man was once a little boy who saw and heard specific things that happened in the home. Boys hear the arguments, the remarks and are in many cases the dumping ground of remarks like, "You look just like him and act just like him". This causes a negative image of the father which is typically the only image of masculinity that the boy is exposed to until there is a forging of peer relationships. The young boy is exposed to argumentation between the mother and father or lover and the pattern of relationship is being set in the mind of the boy as well as the little girl. In the sub conscious mind the child is developing a paradigm of what relationships are like and how he as a man will navigate through them. He establishes a pattern for himself as a man. In this pattern he decides early what he will take and will not take in relationship and in society. In many cases black men grow up very angry and mistrusting because they have had to be. When a committment is made and stinging words are said in the heat of the moment his credibility as a man is on the line, his vulnerability makes him sensitive to those that he allows to get close to him and therefore what is normal in relationships becomes a very intense experience to the man who lets his guard down. When hurt he seeks to be healed. He equates love with support and healthy exchanges that leave him feeling appreciated.
2. Men generally experience the weight of societal expectations laid upon him by all. If these expectations are unclear or unrealistic men feel inept and unable to step up to the challenge of the social view of masculinity and manhood.
It is important that we remember the temperature of growing up black in America and the lasting effects of the pressures and injustices that link each generation with epigenetic markers, images and emotional paradigms that continue within the timeline of our families and racial groups. I remember seeing open experience of predjudice while growing up in my neighborhood. The remarks that were made by police and being followed around in a store beause of the color of my skin while seeing other actually stealing but I was the focus of their security because it was assumed that blacks were thieves. I remember also having to fight going to school and coming from school. As a small framed child this can be very intimidating. To some people life and conditions are like a concrete jungle. Its not that some races are more violent than others but it is the programing and experiences of some racial and ethnic groups have made them develop paradigms for the purpose of surviving. This jungle and only the strong survie mentality has existed for hundreds of years.
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