How an Abuser Uses
Words to Lure You
Tricia Lott Williford & Jane Richardson
This is an excerpt from You are Safe Now : A Survivor ’ s Guide to Listening to Your Gut , Healing from Abuse , and Living in Freedom . Here , Jana Richardson , MA , LPC , EMDR , coauthor and therapist to Tricia Lott Williford , co-author and abuse survivor , unpacks the skillful language used by abusers in the form of secrets . The abuser is named “ Annie ” in the book . In the passage just prior to this excerpt , Tricia had shared a conversation with Annie and a secret she was asked to keep .
A skilled abuser will use emotional intimacy as protection , aligning the victim with their goals . Using the language of secrets , they make this intimacy sound like transparency , when really it ’ s a drape of darkness .
Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung writes , “ Anything
concealed is a secret . The possession of secrets acts like a psychic poison that alienates their possessor from the community .”
Wade Mullen [ who credits Erving Goffman for identifying these types of secrets in his book , The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life ] provides a helpful dissection of the layers of secret keeping , explaining how they function . The depth and breadth of secrets make them incredibly complex , always more than they seem .
The simplest level of secrecy is a free secret , which is a secret that does not “ threaten the image of the person holding the secret ,” [ as quoted in Something ’ s Not Right ] Essentially , this information doesn ’ t jeopardize the image of the person holding the juicy information .
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