meetings before service , with the idea that the congregation could have time with me and get to know my heart . So there I was in front of several hundred people , and the question came , “ Do you plan on your preaching getting any deeper ?” ( paraphrased ).
Various thoughts and emotions ran through me . I paused without responding for a few brief seconds ; those seconds felt like an eternity . Though I bit my tongue , I wanted to let my emotions loose and respond with hurtful words . I scanned the silent room ; time felt as if it stood still , and the facial expressions said it all . Some looked shocked , some expecting an answer , and many others looked disturbed at the audacity of this man to ask such a humiliating question .
That wasn ’ t all I saw that day . As I scanned the room , I saw my precious twenty-nineyear-old wife . I knew she felt the pain of the punches being thrown at me . That was a painful reality . As quickly as I could collect my thoughts , I responded to this man with courage and strength that could only come from Jesus . I said : “ Sir , with all due respect , I know you mentioned that you have been at this church for a long time , but I am confident that God has called me here . If you don ’ t think my preaching is deep enough for you , you may want to begin looking for another church to attend .”
Was my response wrong ? Maybe . Could I have been more mature ? Perhaps . But one thing I do know : my reaction was mild compared to what I wanted to say . I ended the meeting earlier than expected and took my wife by the hand , and we silently walked back to my office . When the door closed behind us , we looked at each other with eyes filled with tears and fell to our knees and cried .
We were deeply wounded . This wasn ’ t the first hard comment or email we had received , and we feared that we were simply not enough for this church . We couldn ’ t understand why God had called us to a place where we didn ’ t feel like we were wanted . I couldn ’ t meet the demands , and I certainly couldn ’ t meet all of the expectations . Questions started flooding my mind . Why isn ’ t my preaching deep enough for them ? God , why am I not smart enough ? Why do they hate me ? Am I the wrong skin color to lead this church ? I simply didn ’ t feel like I was enough for this historic congregation . It was only five weeks into my first pastorate , and here I was questioning my calling .
“ I let the presence of insecurity drive me to bitterness instead of driving me to the throne of God ...”
After that meeting and crying with my wife , I had to summon the energy to preach . I approached the pulpit wounded . Compounding the problem , I assumed everyone felt the way that vocal church member felt . From that Sunday on , I have wrestled with his words . I walk up to the pulpit fearing that failure awaits me . I know it ’ s not about me . I know “ His grace is
21