“ But there ’ s a difference between shame and guilt . Knowing the difference will help you gain freedom to let go of shame from your past .”
asking for help , and trying to prove himself .
Now Fred and Sarah spark up a romantic relationship , but stressors occur in both Sarah ’ s and Fred ’ s lives . One day , Sarah comes home after making a mistake at work . Her toxic thought of being a mistake triggered her to cope by yelling and blaming another employee . The employee acted cold and heartless in response . This reinforced Sarah ’ s feeling of being unloved .
When Sarah pulls into the driveway , she sees that all the other trash cans in her neighborhood are out on the street . Her trash can isn ’ t , even though she had reminded Fred about it that morning . Fred doesn ’ t love me , she thinks . The first thing she says when she walks into the house is , “ Fred , did you take the trash out ?”
“ But there ’ s a difference between shame and guilt . Knowing the difference will help you gain freedom to let go of shame from your past .”
Her tone is mean , frustrated , and cold . Fred has had a busy workday and has totally forgotten about the garbage . “ No ,” he says sheepishly .
Sarah responds , “ You are so lazy ! You never take care of anything !”
Fred ’ s toxic thoughts of I ’ m not capable , I ’ m not good enough are triggered big-time . His coping mechanism of trying to prove himself kicks in . He tells Sarah how hard he worked all day , all the projects he accomplished , and the other things he has done to help around the house .
This triggers Sarah to feel unloved , unimportant , and unseen ( since she had reminded Fred about the trash ). His forgetfulness feels like confirmation that he doesn ’ t love her . His defending himself and not taking responsibility makes her feel even more unseen . She yells , “ You never listen to me . Why don ’ t you care about me ?”
Fred angrily leaves the room and slams the door behind him . He withdraws from Sarah and the situation , which only proves to her that she isn ’ t good enough to be loved . The way Sarah ’ s and Fred ’ s toxic cycles collided is what happens so often in relationships . Fred and Sarah both desired connection , but they ended up drawing from their own painful experiences and then spewing their pain on the other person .
Reinforcing each other ’ s toxic thoughts and coping mechanisms is a vicious cycle . Both people might start to take off their masks with the other person . But pain and shame cause them to place them back on again .
Some of the things we are most ashamed of are the coping mechanisms we ’ ve used to hide our toxic thoughts . When we act out in a way we wish we hadn ’ t , it is painful . We can have shame over behavior that we are not proud of . But there ’ s a difference between shame and guilt . Knowing the difference will help you gain freedom to let go of shame from your past .
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