When Toxic Cycles Collide : How to Break Free of Shame and Guilt in Your Relationships
Stefanie and Caleb Rouse
Titanic . It ’ s an epic tale , a true story , about a massive ship that sank in the Atlantic Ocean after striking an iceberg . That ’ s the trouble with icebergs . Most of what exists is beneath the surface . And what ’ s beneath the surface can bring down even the most indestructible ship ever created .
Toxic thoughts are a lot like icebergs . They go far beneath the surface to our core . We can ’ t see them , but they have a huge effect on every part of our lives .
Toxic thoughts are hurtful and inaccurate things we believe about our identity — unloved , unworthy , voiceless , alone , and many more . When we feel this way , our bodies and minds can ’ t just sit with these thoughts ; we have to respond . This leads us to cope in specific ways . We may withdraw , yell , blame , or selfsabotage , for example .
Our brains also create specific paths based on the way we cope after a toxic thought is triggered . Our brains will follow these trails on autopilot unless we do something to stop them , which creates toxic cycles . A toxic cycle is when your toxic thought leads to a coping mechanism , which reinforces your toxic thought ( or another toxic thought ), which then leads you to the same or another coping mechanism . This cycle continues automatically , over and over again .
In a relationship , one of the hardest things that happens is when two people ’ s toxic thoughts and cycles are being triggered and are triggering one another ’ s at the same time . This can easily happen in an argument , or even a conversation , and it is referred to as toxic cycles colliding .
Imagine a little girl named Sarah , growing up in an abusive household . Yelling and screaming were the background music to her evenings at home . Her parents blamed her for their troubles , saying they wished she were different or that they had never had her . She began to believe the toxic thoughts I am a mistake and I never should have been born . She felt unloved if she didn ’ t do everything well , so she coped by trying to act perfect .
Imagine Sarah grows up and starts dating a guy named Fred . When Fred was growing up , he had a difficult time reading . He got some negative messages from classmates and teachers , so he believed the toxic thoughts I ’ m not capable and I ’ m not good enough . One of the ways Fred copes is by overworking , not
33