tie to a child who very much wants them in their world . Blended families often have between three and seven parents and stepparents , across three or more households , plus eight or more sets of grandparents , totaling nine to twentyone parent figures . Now keep in mind that many of these people don ’ t like each other — which , of course , makes parenting far more complicated and difficult — and that on day one , children have strong preferences that some of them remain in their world while they would be fine with or without others .
How does a stepparent bond with children who could take or leave their presence ? How does parenting work across multiple homes when the leaders don ’ t get along , don ’ t trust each other , or don ’ t share the same values ? How do partners trust their new spouse when their previous one ran off with someone else ? And how do both adults and children carry their loss from the past into new ambiguous relationships ? These are just a few of the many questions traditional premarital counseling does not address , and why it becomes so important to include children in pre-blended family preparation .
Including the Kids
Pastors or counselors who have only worked with couples may feel a little uneasy about involving children or topics impacting children in premarital counseling . Preparing to Blend lets leaders choose whether they will directly engage with children or just work with the couple as they work through the chapter Growing Activities with their children at home . But either way , children need to have a voice .
For years I ’ ve believed that children who feel included in decisions related to forming a blended family and can speak into the process find embracing the new family easier than children who aren ’ t , and now there ’ s evidence of that . Researchers examining the importance of involving children in blended family educational courses concluded , “ When it comes to strengthening couples in stepfamilies , the involvement of children is clearly implicated and should not be underestimated .” Here ’ s why . The loss ( actually , the series of losses ) that children of every age experience leading up to the formation of a stepfamily steals a sense of control and influence over their own lives . Anything you do to give them some voice in what ’ s about to happen — and how it happens — restores some of that and may shift them from being a victim of their circumstances to a contributor to what is being built . Therefore , kids of all ages ( especially adult children ) need some input into their future family . Thus , premarital training must expand to consider the larger family system and the needs of children .
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