UNBLOCK YOUR FEELINGS AND FIND HEALING Erin Kerry
Because of my label of bipolar disorder, I haven’ t always felt safe to feel my feelings. Throughout adolescence and early adulthood, my feelings weren’ t validated except as symptoms of my labels. According to experts, I was either depressed and experiencing symptoms of depression, or I was manic and experiencing symptoms of mania. When unpleasant feelings popped up, they were pathologized, medicated, and explained away.
By suppressing my feelings as much as possible, I minimized the chance of experiencing negative symptoms that could be misconstrued as“ mania” or“ depression.” Ignoring feelings kept me out of the doctor’ s office. If I powered through and stuck to my schedule of overactivity, I wouldn’ t have to deal with any unpleasant feelings that got in the way of the routine. Unless, of course, like a faulty pressure cooker, they exploded because of my repeated attempts to suppress them.
It wasn’ t until I sought out counseling in my forties that my trauma therapist Millie discovered I didn’ t even know how to name my feelings. This was a huge revelation because I was someone who felt everyone’ s feelings. I cared deeply— and too much— about everything. I had even been labeled“ overly emotional” at one point. Yet, I couldn’ t put a name to my feelings. Apparently, scattered isn’ t a feeling. Busy isn’ t a feeling either. News to me!
Realizing I didn’ t trust my feelings or their expression helped me understand why I blocked them. I learned that I couldn’ t experience one feeling while I was simultaneously preoccupied with suppressing all the others. Which is why I had concluded that it was safer to suppress and stifle strong feelings— it was my attempt to avoid being labeled“ mentally unstable.” It was definitely not safe to feel my feelings. I believe this dynamic of avoiding difficult feelings is all too common when we carry
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