the person’s behavior. These words don’t
have to be vulgar, loud, or obviously abusive.
They can be subtle messages that say, “You
don’t measure up.” These act like sandpaper,
gradually eroding the person’s sense of value,
making him desperate to try harder to prove
himself. For this reason, it’s effective…in a way.
This communication strategy may achieve a
short-term gain in performance, but it creates
long-term losses because it makes the recipient
defensive and angry. In many cases, words
of death take the form of blame. The speaker
doesn’t want to take responsibility for a
problem, so he casts a shadow on someone—
anyone! And it’s usually someone who doesn’t
or can’t fight back, someone who plays the role
of a scapegoat.
Irwin asserts that words of life have restorative
power. A simple compliment is nice, but the
messages that change lives focus on character,
not something superficial. These words, of
course, require us to take the time to observe,
consider, and reflect on what we see so that
our opinion of the person’s present and future
inspires the heart. Irwin explains:
What is the common thread in Words of
Life? These powerful words speak about our
character—the unassailability of our inner
person. Words of Life address the dimensions of
our core and speak the vocabulary of our core,
such as integrity, courage, resilience, judgment
and authenticity. When spoken authentically,
these words can actually transform someone
we lead.
We can easily see that leaders in business and
the church can speak this kind of message to
others, but sadly, very few do. We can become
so absorbed in our own goals and needs that we
don’t even notice what’s going on in the people
around us, even in the life of the person sleeping
next to us. Some people have the position of
being an organizational visionary and they have
the privilege of inspiring hope and courage in
everyone in the business, church, or non-profit.
But all of us have the same privilege to make a
powerful impact in the hearts of the people we
rub shoulders with each day. To do this, we need
someone to speak words of deep affirmation
into our lives, so we have a full well to draw
from. If we’re self-absorbed, we’ll use people
to make us feel powerful instead of using our
position to help them grow and thrive.
The biggest impact we can have on others
is through authentic personal connections.
However, even narcissistic leaders can provide
plenty of opportunities for people in their
organizations. The people who are closest
to them may suffer from their leader always
having to be one-up on everyone, but beyond
the executive team, those throughout the rest
of the organization can thrive if they have
department managers and team leaders who
live to help others succeed. For instance, by all
accounts, Steve Jobs was a very difficult boss,
but he provided incredible opportunities for
tens of thousands of people at Apple.
Leaders who don’t affirm and inspire those
around them produce a low level of engagement
from the people on their teams, which
inevitably leads to low levels of performance
and productivity. The leader’s job isn’t just to
disseminate how-to manuals and keep things
on schedule. The first job of leaders is to inspire
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