14 lagunabeachindy . com FEBRUARY 24 , 2023
GUEST OPINION : VILLAGE MATTERS
The Great Fish Emulsion Caper
By Ann Christoph
What a stir the hostile prank against our city manager has caused — press releases , articles in the local papers , resolutions of support at the council meeting .
Vowing to get to the bottom of the incident , police said , “ the act will not be tolerated .” Mayor Bob Whalen labeled it as “ criminal conduct that will be investigated immediately .” Chief Jeff Calvert said , “ the police department is actively investigating this vandalism .”
But there is no need for the police investigation , Indy columnist Michael Ray has solved the crime — or at least limited the scope of the search — to Village Laguna “ acolytes .”
Since I was raised a Catholic and attended 13 years of Catholic school , I am qualified to explain the characteristics of acolytes , defined as “ a person assisting the celebrant in a religious service or procession .”
In my day , they were limited to men or young boys dressed in black cassocks with overlaying white surplices . They were commonly called altar boys . Now females are included , but the ceremonial dress and duties are still the same . They mostly stand around the altar while the priest says mass . But they also fill the cruets with water and wine and bring those to the altar for the priest to use at important moments during the ceremony . The job , while tedious , had its benefits . My husband Alfredo , who was an acolyte , has experience with wine pouring that happened out of public view . He says the priest commented on being mystified about why the wine bottles seemed to become empty so quickly . Alfredo , of course , only witnessed others taking a few swigs now and then .
In any case , these acolyte outfits will make it easier for police investigators to pin down a group of suspects to pursue . Even though recent Village Laguna membership meetings have been on zoom , there are undoubtedly some secret meetings going on where the acolytes are assisting in a ceremony of some kind . Sort of reminiscent of the meetings of the lodges that require a secret handshake to get in . All the police have to do is send an undercover officer to penetrate the veil
The author ( second from left ) with priest and acolytes with cassocks and surplices , circa 1960 . Submitted by Ann Christoph
of secrecy and bring in all the members dressed in cassocks and surplices .
Then the job will be to find out who did the deed — who spread the obnoxious material around the city manager ’ s house . That will likewise be fairly simple . It turns out the substance was not “ fecal material or sewage .” Rather , it seems to have been fish emulsion fertilizer *, commonly used for house plants and available at local nurseries . It smells bad , like old fish , but it ’ s harmless . In fact , cats love to lap up the fish water that drains into the plant saucers .
So round up all the Village Laguna acolytes dressed in their cassocks and surplices and first give them the smell test .
If any smell like old fish , that is already a clue . If not , check their internet and phone history to see which ones had looked up “ how to vandalize city manager ’ s houses with fish emulsion .”
Next , what to do with the culprit ? How about six months of heavy weeding ? With this problem solved , we ’ ll soon put all our other challenges in their appropriate perspective .
* it has the characteristic uniform brown color , thick texture and the city manager confirmed it smelled like fish .
Ann is a landscape architect and former Laguna Beach mayor . She ’ s also a long-time board member of Village Laguna , Inc .
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