12 lagunabeachindy . com FEBRUARY 24 , 2023
GUEST OPINION : WISDOM WORKOUT
The Sympathy Trap
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By susAn MCneAl VelAsQueZ
Do you care too much about your loved one ’ s problems ? If so , you might be caught in the sympathy trap . There is a vast difference between sympathy and the skill of empathy . It is easy to get sympathy and empathy confused . Here is an example to help illustrate the difference .
Imagine you are walking down the street and off to your right , and just a bit ahead , you hear someone yelling : “ Help !” You look around and discover the voice is coming from a deep hole in the ground . Someone has fallen in and is trapped .
You move to the edge and look down . It is a very deep hole , and this person is in trouble and frantic . It is clear that they can ’ t get out without help . You step back , take a deep breath and jump in . That is sympathy .
Most of us , at some time in our lives , have held our breath and jumped into someone ’ s life trauma to help , and it turned out badly . As a result , we might be cautious about getting deeply involved with others . We may blame our caring nature for getting us in trouble rather than realizing we simply lacked understanding about the difference between empathy and sympathy .
Let ’ s take our example further , back to the disaster site . There are now two of you in the hole . The person thanks you profusely . You
put your heads together and , with great effort , you both climb out of the hole .
You are covered with dirt . Your clothes are ripped . You have a few scrapes and bruises . You are both free again . You have a new buddy and another adventure under your belt . Your plans and commitments are derailed for the day . You are off track , and you ’ ve had an experience that ultimately turned out well .
In this case , the benefit of responding with sympathy is that you get to be a hero . You get recognition . You get some unplanned excitement and a feeling of deep camaraderie . The price is that your life plans are on hold because you become entangled in someone else ’ s drama .
Here is possibility # 2 . There are two of you in the hole . The other person grabs onto you , smashes you against the wall and uses you as a human ladder . They free themselves and walk away . They originally had the problem , and now you do . In this case , you have just paid a big price for mixing up sympathy and the skill of empathy .
Scenario # 3 . You move towards the edge and realize a person is stuck down in this deep hole . You look around and see there is no one but you . You run away as fast as you can because you fear you will get blamed or hurt in some other way . This is neither empathy or sympathy . This is being numb to others ’ pain , detached and staying uninvolved at all costs .
So , what is empathy ? How can we use empathy to assist others without harming ourselves ? In this example , we are talking about physical safety and security . To be empathetic in the emotional and mental realms is more complex . Empathy is feeling with another without sinking into pity or judgments . Empathy is putting
VELASQUEZ , PAGE 13
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