HELP WANTED!
8july / august 2025
By Larry Deavers
Many of us have a tendency to be lone wolves; we want to do everything without asking for help or delegating appropriate responsibilities to others. The driving force behind this is often our desire to control the details about how something is done; but the result, typically, is a heightened level of stress that negatively impacts our mental and physical health, others around us and our relationships.
There are benefits for others when we involve them in our endeavors, as well. It provides them of the opportunity to be a part of our work, to feel connected to us and to develop new skills. Allowing others to help strengthens relationships, allows them to feel valuable and creates an atmosphere of teamwork. And, if we want others to feel vested in our projects, involving them with their own tasks helps create the“ buy-in” that we often wish they would have.
DELEGATING IS AN IMPORTANT SKILL. So, why do we resist asking for help or delegating? For many of us, it’ s the feeling that we are giving up control over the project. We can give in to our perfectionistic tendencies, which makes it more difficult to entrust tasks to someone else who will, undoubtedly, do it just a little different than we would. Engaging help often requires us to accept that the end product may look different, but that is probably okay. For those elements of your work that do require your attention to detail, you can keep those parts and delegate the rest. And, no, your entire project probably does not fall into that category.
We may also be reluctant to ask for help because we are afraid others will see us as incapable or incompetent unless we go it alone; however, these thoughts are usually only generated in our own mind and not necessarily shared by others. Most of the time, others will see asking for help when you are honestly struggling to keep up as a strength.
Our feelings of guilt or that we are imposing on others may prevent us from seeking help, as well. But, just think: if they asked you for help, you would probably be happy to out of your way when someone close to you was feeling overwhelmed. Remember to give others the same privilege when it comes to helping you.
There may be other aspects of our resistance to getting help: pride, anxiety, risk of disappointment, fear of rejection, etc. All of these are generally false beliefs and thoughts we generate for ourselves. We tend to exaggerate these fears out of our own insecurities. For the most part, others are happy to be asked and are glad to help when they see that you genuinely need them, as long as you’ re not simply taking advantage of them.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON’ T ASK FOR HELP? There are several down sides to going it alone. We can inadvertently create a sense of isolation, both for ourselves and for those around us watching us struggle. Even when we think we are handling it just fine, others can often see the stress we are under, as it affects our mood, our tolerance of others, our way of communicating and our withdrawal or aggressiveness.
Trying to do too much leads to burnout, exhaustion, lack of self-care, anxiety, etc. Once we get to this stage, it can be even more difficult to ask for help in a productive manner, because our desperation for help can come across as blaming others for not volunteering sooner, defensiveness, arrogance or criticism. Asking for help sooner, rather than later, is usually best.