ent. Depending on age, temperament,
relationship with parents, and numerous
other variables, kids with “two homes”
are vulnerable to feelings of instability
and confusion. They often experience
opposing lifestyles, different discipline
structures, and may be faced with conflicting
morals and value systems.
WHAT YOU CAN DO: Keep it
stable — Experts say by the time kids
are 10-12 years of age, they are able to
understand the consequences of moral
decisions. Long before then, you should
begin laying the groundwork of the
values you want to teach. Again, you
can’t control what another person says
or does, but you can counteract negative
influences with positive ones.
Develop clear-cut rules in your
household and begin having family
meetings when your children are young.
It has been proven kids want and need
boundaries. In a friendly and non-emotional
setting, outline the rules of bedtime,
homework, television privileges,
curfews, disciplinary consequences,
chores, and whatever else makes up your
family system.
Don’t forget to also reward good
behavior, inject a lot of humor, and plan
family fun activities to counteract all the
rules. Balance is the key. As your kids
get older, you will have the luxury of sitting
down with them and talking calmly
about the differences between the two
households.
You can explain that experiencing
different ways of doing things will help
them choose how they want to live their
adult lives. Understanding differences
also teaches tolerance. If there are inconsistencies,
immoral behaviors, or painful
circumstances going on at the other
household, it won’t take a child long
to begin to see the differences between
stable and unstable lifestyles. In the end,
they will choose stability.
Of course, there are pros and cons
to current parenting styles versus those
used one hundred years ago. Some will
argue the old style of parenting is still the
best, while others will read every Google
search to get the most updated version.
Regardless of how you choose to
parent, one thing is timeless and universal
— kids need you, their parents, as
an example. Your children will mirror
your lifestyle and if you’re not willing
to change your bad habits, don’t expect
anything more from your offspring.
The best teacher a child can have is
a living, breathing example. Deciding
what values you want to teach, and living
them, is a good first step. Taking the
time to understand the world around you
— the one your child is facing — will
serve you well. Teaching the skills necessary
to succeed in the world will be the
toughest challenge. But it’s a challenge
worth meeting since our 21st century
leaders are counting on you!
Diane C. Dierks is a licensed marriage
and family therapist in Atlanta,
Georgia. She is also author of The Co-
Parent Toolbox (2014 Aha! Publishing)
and Solo Parenting: Raising Strong &
Happy Families (1997 Fairview Press).
For more information, visit her website
at www.dianedierks.com.
YOU ARE THE GENERATION THAT
YOU ARE THE GENERATION THAT
WILL BE STEPPING FOOT ON MARS.
TIERA FLETCHER
STRUCTURAL ANALYSIS ENGINEER, BOEING
GIRLS IN STEM BECOME WOMEN WHO CHANGE THE WORLD.
LEARN MORE @SHECANSTEM ON INSTAGRAM
July 2020 WNY Family 43