In this third part of our series on
parenting in the 2020s, I hope
to inspire single parents who
are facing some of today’s tougher issues
— issues that were either nonexistent
100 years ago or were not openly
discussed. These include the problems
associated with gangs, drugs, vaping,
poverty, domestic violence, date rape,
teen pregnancy and plain old-fashioned
adolescent defiance.
These are difficult and sometimes
overwhelming situations to deal with for
a healthy two-parent family. Place any
one or more of them in a single-parent
household, and the ability to cope in a
healthy effective manner is severely impaired.
Let me stress, however, that these
problems do not exist because single
parents are less loving or less concerned
than the so-called “nuclear” family.
More likely, the problems exist because
there are complications unique to single
parent families which tend to magnify
already volatile situations. Here’s a few
examples and some ideas on what you
can do to minimize the negative in your
children’s lives:
PROBLEM: Pre/post-separation
arguments — Kids often witness a
variety of arguments, discussions, and
sometimes violent altercations, taking
place between the parents they love.
Unlike many relationship scuffles, the
arguments tend to focus on the children:
child support, custody issues, who’s going
to live where, and so on. This can
contribute to a child’s feelings of insecurity,
guilt, depression, anger, etc. —
emotions which are associated with delinquent
behavior.
WHAT YOU CAN DO: Refuse
to fight — As difficult as it may seem,
42 WNY Family July 2020
SINGLE PARENTING
— by Diane C. Dierks, LMFT
Parenting
2020
A Proactive Approach
Part 3 of 3
you really can prevent most arguments
that take place with your child’s other
parent. Decide what you’re going to
say in a conversation before it happens.
Knowing the other person will probably
do and say everything possible to
hit your hot buttons, anticipate them. Be
prepared to either walk away or hang
up the phone, taking a time out until
you can discuss it outside the children’s
presence. If the other person gets physically
out of control, be ready to call the
police. You can’t control what the other
person says or does, but remember, one
stable and self-controlled parent is definitely
more healthy than two childish
ones. If necessary, use the resources of
private counseling or family mediation
to resolve sensitive issues.
PROBLEM: Poverty — According
to U.S. Child Support statistics released
in 2016, there are 13.6 millon custodial
single parents in the United States and
only half of them have a child support order
or agreement in place. In 2016, 40.6
million Americans had incomes below
the government’s official poverty line,
which was $24,339 for a family of four,
including two children. Of those below
the poverty line — 12.7 percent of the
population — nearly 5 million were
moms or dads heading single-parent
families; 8.7 million were children under
18 in these single-parent homes.
Together, single-parent families and
their children totaled almost 14 million
people, which is roughly a third of all
people in poverty. Sadly, children living
in poverty are at a greater risk of getting
involved in delinquent activity. Since
there are currently nearly 17 million kids
living with single mothers, the negative
affects of poverty will definitely play a
key role in many of these children’s lives.
WHAT YOU CAN DO: Money
can’t buy love — Although the statistics
say children in poverty-stricken families
are at risk for juvenile delinquency,
don’t take it as a death sentence for your
kids. There are many children whose
parents are country club members, community
philanthropists, and respected
leaders who face the same risk. Why?
I suspect it’s because parents who are
more focused on their own lives (with
or without money), don’t spend enough
time getting to know their own children.
Kids who are competing with the
hardships of poverty and wealth often
lack the same things: parental love and
guidance, and a sense of community.
Decide you’re going to give love and encouragement,
even if it’s the only thing
you have to give. Money can’t take away
your values or your faith.
It may be tough to swallow poverty
and still keep a smile on your face when
the kids get home from school — but
imagine how tough it will be to visit
your child in prison, or worse yet, attend
his or her funeral. You and your children
can get involved in a vast array of nocost
community programs that promote
responsibility and self-esteem. Contact a
community health case-worker or other
community representative for details.
PROBLEM: Two
households/
two masters — A large percentage of
children living in single parent households
also have partial custody or visitation
requirements with the other par-