want to look at ourselves in mirrors or reflective glass or indulge in long, hot baths or
showers. But, it is not there to torture or
make one uncomfortable, rather it is to
avoid the overt happiness at this time.
At this time of mourning it is a mitzvah
for friends and extended family to menachem avel, to comfort the mourners. Rav
Tanzer emphasised that one needs to demonstrate a sensitivity as to what gives comfort. Halacha suggests one not initiate
conversation with a mourner, so as rather
to understand and be aware of what the
mourner needs at that time. So Rav Tanzer
suggested one should wait and see what
the mourner needs to speak about, and
use this as a guide for conversation and an
indication of what the mourner is thinking
and feeling. It goes without saying that
one should always avoid saying anything
that could cause any aggravation or distress to the mourner at this time. It is
times like this where friends must see the
practical needs of the mourners. It is not
always possible to comfort the mourner
with our words, but helping with a meal or
a gentle smile can go a long way.
Tradition explains how the first three
days of shiva are for “tears and emotions”, as it is difficult to speak of the deceased. For the following days of shiva, it
is so important to remember and talk
about the virtue, wisdom and love the deceased possessed. The shiva ends with a
personification of this journey back towards living, concretised with a walk out
of the house of mourning. While the week
of mourning has ended, the process of remembrance continues into the shloshim –
the 30-day period also used to assist the
mourners, in a relaxed way, to rejoin the
THE IDEA OF VISITING A SHIVA HOUSE OF SOMEONE
I DIDN’T KNOW WAS AWKWARD IN ITSELF, BUT I WAS
QUITE SHOCKED TO BE OFFERED FOOD AND DRINK BY
THE FAMILY MEMBERS AT THE SHIVA HOUSE. I LATER
LEARNT THAT THIS WAS THE SEPHARDI CUSTOM.
world of the living and the larger society.
The halachot are more relaxed.
Rabbi Tanzer pointed out that halachic
mourning for most ends after the shloshim, but the only exception is a child
mourning a parent. This, he clarified, has
little to do with the laws of mourning but
rather more to do with the halachot of
kibud av ve eim – honouring one’s parents. When mourning a parent, the
mourners continue with aspects of their
halachic mourning for a full year, which is
commonly in conjunction with the first
yahrtzeit – the Hebrew anniversary of the
passing. This is not a day of mourning,
but rather a day of celebration of the life
and memory of the deceased. It is a day
used to elevate the neshama, the soul of
the deceased.
Rav Tanzer emphasised that the laws of
mourning are primarily based on minhag,
the customs that have been passed down
through the generations. Hence, there are
many contradictions among the many
books. South Africa, specifically, does not
have a minhag of its own per se, and halacha suggests that specifically regarding
the period of mourning, one should be lenient. Why? He softly replied: “We are already sad enough.”
WHAT TO SAY TO A
MOURNER?
Here are some of the traditional sayings
used to comfort mourners:
– HaMakom yenachem et’chem b’toch shar
avay’lay Tzion vee’Yerushalayim – May G-d
comfort you among the other mourners of
Zion and Jerusalem.
Hebrew: Aruchat yamim – I wish you
lengthy days/long life.
Yiddish expression: Ir zolt mer nit visn
fun ken tsar – May you not know any more
sorrow.
Hebrew: Ani mishtatefet betzarach – I
share in your sorrow.
BOOKS TO READ
The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning by
Maurice Lamm
The Neshama Should Have an Aliya: What
you can do in memory of a departed loved one
by Rabbi Tzvi Hebel
Mourning in Halachah: Th R