FEATURE
REJOINING
the living
WHEN I SAT DOWN TO WRITE THIS ARTICLE, I
recognised the Hand of G-d in each and
every moment leading up to it. I had the
idea many months ago, presented it to
the editor, and the day after conducting
the interview, I became part of the story.
I had thought of writing an article to uncover the meaning behind mourning, and
the very next day, I joined the millions
who mourn family members – I had lost
my grandfather.
While experiencing second-hand the
halachot of mourning, I had the privilege
of recalling the soft words of Rabbi Avraham Tanzer, who so recently had given
me the opportunity to glean from his wisdom and experience. We had not talked
about halacha – as there are many books
written on this subject. Instead, we discussed the approaches behind the actions,
behaviours and activities that unite Jews
around the world.
So, why did I decide to begin this journey? What inspired my interest in understanding Jewish mourning? In July last
year, I visited Israel and as this visit coincided with Operation Protective Edge. I
72 JEWIS H LIFE
ISSUE 82
decided to make a shiva call to the family
of one of the lone soldiers who had been
taken so tragically. The idea of visiting a
shiva house of someone I didn’t know was
awkward in itself, but I was quite shocked
to be offered food and drink by the family
members at the shiva house. I later learnt
that this was the Sephardi custom. This
triggered my interest to understand the
ins and outs of this Jewish practice that I
knew so little about.
So I decided to investigate, and the
journey led me into the sunny office of
Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva College, Rabbi
Avraham Tanzer, who graciously shared
his understanding of the theory behind
the halacha.
Rav Tanzer began with the idea that
the moment a soul departs from this
world, the immediate family members enter into a stage called onen (bereft). It is
this stage in which family members remain until the end of the funeral. At this
time, mourners are exempt from all mitzvot. Rav Tanzer used the wise words of
Rabbi Soleveitchik as he explains that at
this time, man is not capable of doing
mitzvot. The brain is “not working” or in
a state of limbo. How can we participate
in normal human practices when we ourselves don’t even feel human?
At the conclusion of the funeral, the
halachic mourners (including mother, father, spouse, sisters, brothers, sons and
daughters) are now obligated to keep all
the mitzvot. This, Rav Tanzer explained,
is the first step towards returning to normal life after the tragic loss of a loved
one. It is the baby steps needed to learn
the basics of life all over again after the
metaphysical carpet has been pulled from
under one’s feet. This is not a simple step.
It is difficult and it is draining, but it is essential. This is symbolised by the ritual
practice of kriah, the tearing of the
clothes at the funeral. This is symbolic of
how, with the loss, we are torn and are
never to be repaired. But, we are to go on
living and remembering.
Aveilut or mourning is the process of returning to life. The Mishna in Berachot discusses how the laws of aveilut are not there
to make you sad, but rather not to be happy.
It is understandable then that we won’t
PHOTOGRAPHS: ILAN OSSENDRYVER
The Jewish way
of mourning a
loved one
I BY RONIT CHAYA JANET