Jewish Life Digital Edition February 2013 | Page 24

In Lisa’s experience, “Guilt plays a major
role in the pain of divorce, especially if
there are children caught in the crossfire.”
She recalled a particularly helpful insight
in the Divorce Support Group, which came
from Rabbi Fox, who explained that while
it is inappropriate for anyone to glorify
divorce, if the marital relationship has
broken down and the interactions between
the couple are destructive to themselves
and their children, then within a Torah
framework it is a mitzvah to obtain a Get
(Jewish divorce). After some deep soul
searching and introspection, one could
choose to see this as another chance to
pave a new road on the journey of life. “I
and others in the course felt lighter after
hearing that,” said Lisa.

EXAMINE YOUR PAST CHOICES
Take a good long look at the person you
married and ask yourself why you chose
him or her. It’s surprising how often we are
oblivious, or choose to deny, the realities
we should be conscious of. We need to
make our choices with eyes wide open,
alert and consciously. While everyone
deserves a generous helping of fairytale
romance, it’s never a good idea to be
completely blindsided by it. Idealising a
partner is a recipe for disaster. Since we are
all imperfect, disillusionment is unavoidable. Relationships must be structured
around shared goals and ambitions, realistic expectations, aligned values and
mutual respect. Ask yourself if your choices would be different today and why – so
that you know for next time.

TRUST, LET GO, SURRENDER
It’s liberating to know we are not in control
of everything. Finding the balance between
control and surrender is often an art. Life
sometimes throws us curved balls that
threaten our narrow world, like losing a
job, facing financial challenges or being
made defenceless by ill health. Crises test
our resilience and we all need to develop
skills to cope when things spiral beyond
our control. Because these challenges come
from a higher source, we can surrender to a
point, but, cautions Sheila, “never become
immobilised”.

22 JEWISH LIFE

ISSUE 59

other parent, so its damaging to ask
them to choose sides.
Don’t embark on character assassination of your ex-spouse – as tempting as
that may sometimes be. Allow children
to develop their own relationship with
their parent and don’t tarnish their view
with your opinions.

ROOM FOR ENRICHMENT
IN EVERY MARRIAGE
Family is the very foundation of
Jewish life, and good marriages
make happy families. In order
to strengthen marriage and
address the prevalence of
divorce in our community, Chief
Rabbi Dr Warren Goldstein has
recently initiated discussion
around this theme, and formed
a Marriage Enrichment Task
Team comprising rabbinical
leaders, respected professional
counsellors and concerned
community members and
organisations.

HELP YOUR CHILDREN
Your children need help to adjust to their
new reality. They’re confused and hurt too.
Sheila highlights the fact that children are
the innocent victims of a broken marriage,
and advises, “Don’t allow them to become
its casualties”.
These are some important tips:
Find an avenue through which children
can express themselves so they get help
to work through their emotions and
bewilderment.
Never draw them into the conflict – they
had nothing to do with it and it will be
painful for them.
They can never get ‘divorced’ from the

Lisa joined the Chev’s Single Moms
Support Group too and found great value
in it. The 12 women who participated have
subsequently stayed in touch with each
other. “If I encounter a new situation and
have to face untested waters, or if one of
my children is presenting with confusing
behaviour, I often share that with my
group. Invariably, someone will have some
insight to share.”

EXPLORE ALL SUPPORT SYSTEMS
Be creative in your changed circumstances.
Do things you enjoy doing and try some
new things you’ve always wanted to do.
Harness all the support systems at your
disposal, like counsellors, family, friends,
support groups, informative lectures that
expand your knowledge, and social
settings that grow your network.
If you are facing divorce and reeling from
the shock, a good place to start might be
with the Divorce Support Group. The
course offers structured practical and
emotional guidance and comprises eight,
mixed-gender sessions. Topics covered are
the Grief Cycle; Legal Processes; Jewish
Attitudes to Divorce; Communication
Patter