CHAPTER XXXII 463
Of course , she knew her power : indeed , he did not , because he could not , conceal it from her . In spite of his Christian stoicism , when she went up and addressed him , and smiled gaily , encouragingly , even fondly in his face , his hand would tremble and his eye burn . He seemed to say , with his sad and resolute look , if he did not say it with his lips , " I love you , and I know you prefer me . It is not despair of success that keeps me dumb . If I offered my heart , I believe you would accept it . But that heart is already laid on a sacred altar : the fire is arranged round it . It will soon be no more than a sacrifice consumed ."
And then she would pout like a disappointed child ; a pensive cloud would soften her radiant vivacity ; she would withdraw her hand hastily from his , and turn in transient petulance from his aspect , at once so heroic and so martyr-like . St . John , no doubt , would have given the world to follow , recall , retain her , when she thus left him ; but he would not give one chance of heaven , nor relinquish , for the elysium of her love , one hope of the true , eternal Paradise . Besides , he could not bind all that he had in his nature -- the rover , the aspirant , the poet , the priest -- in the limits of a single passion . He could not -- he would not -- renounce his wild field of mission warfare for the parlours and the peace of Vale Hall . I learnt so much from himself in an inroad I once , despite his reserve , had the daring to make on his confidence .
Miss Oliver already honoured me with frequent visits to my cottage . I had learnt her whole character , which was without mystery or disguise : she was coquettish but not heartless ; exacting , but not worthlessly selfish . She had been indulged from her birth , but was not absolutely spoilt . She was hasty , but good-humoured ; vain ( she could not help it , when every glance in the glass showed her such a flush of loveliness ), but not affected ; liberal-handed ; innocent of the pride of wealth ; ingenuous ; sufficiently intelligent ; gay , lively , and unthinking : she was very charming , in short , even to a cool observer of her own sex like me ; but she was not profoundly interesting or thoroughly impressive . A very different sort of mind was hers from that , for instance , of the sisters of St . John . Still , I liked her almost as I liked my pupil Adele ; except that , for a child whom we have watched over and taught , a closer affection is engendered than we can give an equally