CHAPTER XXXI 453
them . To-morrow , I trust , I shall get the better of them partially ; and in a few weeks , perhaps , they will be quite subdued . In a few months , it is possible , the happiness of seeing progress , and a change for the better in my scholars may substitute gratification for disgust .
Meantime , let me ask myself one question -- Which is better ? -- To have surrendered to temptation ; listened to passion ; made no painful effort -- no struggle ; -- but to have sunk down in the silken snare ; fallen asleep on the flowers covering it ; wakened in a southern clime , amongst the luxuries of a pleasure villa : to have been now living in France , Mr . Rochester ' s mistress ; delirious with his love half my time -- for he would -- oh , yes , he would have loved me well for a while . He DID love me -- no one will ever love me so again . I shall never more know the sweet homage given to beauty , youth , and grace -- for never to any one else shall I seem to possess these charms . He was fond and proud of me -- it is what no man besides will ever be . -- But where am I wandering , and what am I saying , and above all , feeling ? Whether is it better , I ask , to be a slave in a fool ' s paradise at Marseilles -- fevered with delusive bliss one hour -- suffocating with the bitterest tears of remorse and shame the next -- or to be a village-schoolmistress , free and honest , in a breezy mountain nook in the healthy heart of England ?
Yes ; I feel now that I was right when I adhered to principle and law , and scorned and crushed the insane promptings of a frenzied moment . God directed me to a correct choice : I thank His providence for the guidance !
Having brought my eventide musings to this point , I rose , went to my door , and looked at the sunset of the harvest-day , and at the quiet fields before my cottage , which , with the school , was distant half a mile from the village . The birds were singing their last strains -
" The air was mild , the dew was balm ."
While I looked , I thought myself happy , and was surprised to find myself ere long weeping -- and why ? For the doom which had reft me from adhesion to my master : for him I was no more to see ; for the desperate grief