CHAPTER XV 185
brightest fire . Yet I had not forgotten his faults ; indeed , I could not , for he brought them frequently before me . He was proud , sardonic , harsh to inferiority of every description : in my secret soul I knew that his great kindness to me was balanced by unjust severity to many others . He was moody , too ; unaccountably so ; I more than once , when sent for to read to him , found him sitting in his library alone , with his head bent on his folded arms ; and , when he looked up , a morose , almost a malignant , scowl blackened his features . But I believed that his moodiness , his harshness , and his former faults of morality ( I say FORMER , for now he seemed corrected of them ) had their source in some cruel cross of fate . I believed he was naturally a man of better tendencies , higher principles , and purer tastes than such as circumstances had developed , education instilled , or destiny encouraged . I thought there were excellent materials in him ; though for the present they hung together somewhat spoiled and tangled . I cannot deny that I grieved for his grief , whatever that was , and would have given much to assuage it .
Though I had now extinguished my candle and was laid down in bed , I could not sleep for thinking of his look when he paused in the avenue , and told how his destiny had risen up before him , and dared him to be happy at Thornfield .
" Why not ?" I asked myself . " What alienates him from the house ? Will he leave it again soon ? Mrs . Fairfax said he seldom stayed here longer than a fortnight at a time ; and he has now been resident eight weeks . If he does go , the change will be doleful . Suppose he should be absent spring , summer , and autumn : how joyless sunshine and fine days will seem !"
I hardly know whether I had slept or not after this musing ; at any rate , I started wide awake on hearing a vague murmur , peculiar and lugubrious , which sounded , I thought , just above me . I wished I had kept my candle burning : the night was drearily dark ; my spirits were depressed . I rose and sat up in bed , listening . The sound was hushed .
I tried again to sleep ; but my heart beat anxiously : my inward tranquillity was broken . The clock , far down in the hall , struck two . Just then it seemed