CHAPTER XIV 171
answer , despite its inaccuracy ; and as much for the manner in which it was said , as for the substance of the speech ; the manner was frank and sincere ; one does not often see such a manner : no , on the contrary , affectation , or coldness , or stupid , coarse-minded misapprehension of one ' s meaning are the usual rewards of candour . Not three in three thousand raw school-girl-governesses would have answered me as you have just done . But I don ' t mean to flatter you : if you are cast in a different mould to the majority , it is no merit of yours : Nature did it . And then , after all , I go too fast in my conclusions : for what I yet know , you may be no better than the rest ; you may have intolerable defects to counterbalance your few good points ."
" And so may you ," I thought . My eye met his as the idea crossed my mind : he seemed to read the glance , answering as if its import had been spoken as well as imagined -
" Yes , yes , you are right ," said he ; " I have plenty of faults of my own : I know it , and I don ' t wish to palliate them , I assure you . God wot I need not be too severe about others ; I have a past existence , a series of deeds , a colour of life to contemplate within my own breast , which might well call my sneers and censures from my neighbours to myself . I started , or rather ( for like other defaulters , I like to lay half the blame on ill fortune and adverse circumstances ) was thrust on to a wrong tack at the age of one-andtwenty , and have never recovered the right course since : but I might have been very different ; I might have been as good as you -- wiser -- almost as stainless . I envy you your peace of mind , your clean conscience , your unpolluted memory . Little girl , a memory without blot or contamination must be an exquisite treasure -- an inexhaustible source of pure refreshment : is it not ?"
" How was your memory when you were eighteen , sir ?"
" All right then ; limpid , salubrious : no gush of bilge water had turned it to fetid puddle . I was your equal at eighteen -- quite your equal . Nature meant me to be , on the whole , a good man , Miss Eyre ; one of the better kind , and you see I am not so . You would say you don ' t see it ; at least I flatter myself