moral concerns
I
Honoring Your Parents
have a dear friend named Beverly
Washington. The two of us met in
college and have remained close friends
for the last 41 years. Beverly’s mother
recently turned 100, a happy occasion for
all concerned. This, in itself, is not that
unusual since many of us know or have
heard of people who have reached that
impressive landmark. What is unusual
about Beverly and her mom is that Beverly
has been taking care of her mother 24/7 for
the last seven and a half years.
Beverly never married, and after college
moved back to her home in New Jersey to
live and work. After her father died, she
and her mother continued to make a cozy
household together, enjoying a loving
mother/daughter relationship as well as
being best friends. At the beginning of
2010, after seeing her 93-year-old mother’s
physical and mental health decline to the
point where she could not be left alone,
Beverly decided to take early retirement
from her school counselor position to take
care of her mother.
Four years later, Mrs. Washington
suffered a stroke. In the following years,
she continued to decline to the point where
she was not able to talk, eat, sit up, walk or
care for herself in any way; everything had
to be done for her. She is now dependent on
a ventilator and a feeding tube but is still
being cared for at home. Beverly managed
to care for her mom for the first 5 ½ years
with the help of part-time aides, but two
years ago, Beverly’s married sister Carol,
who lived in Michigan, moved in to assist
in the care of their mother. Though Carol
has a husband and a grown son whom she
hates to be separated from, she believes
that her place now is with her mother. She
feels good about her move because her
husband and son support her decision and
come to visit whenever they can.
So, Beverly and her sister devote their
days to taking care of their mother. And,
let me tell you, their days are full – of
feeding, cleaning, breathing treatments,
administering medication, massaging,
physical therapy, etc. Beverly has not
taken a vacation in all these years. There
have been times when Mrs. Washington
has been perilously close to death, but
with earnest prayers and the persevering
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care of her daughters, she has continued to
live. A particular miracle was when God
healed a fist-sized sacral wound that Mrs.
Washington got while hospitalized. No
one had any hopes of its healing except
for Beverly and Carol, but it did heal
completely after more than one year.
I have been to the Washington home
many times. Each time I come away
humbled and awed by what I see. The love
that the two daughters shower upon their
mother is something to behold. Perhaps
you are wondering how Beverly and Carol
can do this. Here are some responses that
Beverly has given me in conversations we
have had.
Fun: Bev, why are you doing this,
sacrificing so much of your time in caring
for your mother? There have been times
when she has been close to death. Why
have you been so persistent in keeping her
alive?
Beverly: When my mother was still
talking and before she got dementia, I
asked her what she’d like us to do in the
event that she becomes severely limited.
She told me that she would like us to do
everything we can for her. At that point,
I promised her that she didn’t have to
worry, that I would always take care of
her. That’s what we’ve been trying to do,
though it has not been easy. At her age, we
would not opt for major surgery or chemo
treatment, but aside from these extreme
measures, we will do all for her that we
can. I am also doing what I have seen my
mom and her siblings do for their parents.
They cared for my grandparents just like
I am caring for her. In addition, my mom
actively ministered to other relatives and
friends who needed care. I am following
her example.
Fun: What have you encountered in the
medical profession that has been difficult?
Beverly: Doctors have expressed to me
directly or indirectly that we should not
prolong my mother’s life. They would
say that my mother’s quality of life is
low. Many also lobbied for a Do Not
Resuscitate (DNR) order. I refuse to do
that. I use a Catholic hospital now because
they do not press me on this issue like the
OCTOBER 2017
other hospitals have. I believe that my
mother wants to live; I can sense it. She
knows that we love her and we want her
here with us as long as God allows. I also
think that she wants to be with us.
Fun: Since your mom can no longer talk
to you or express herself, how has that
affected the quality of your relationship?
Beverly: Of course I miss talking to my
mom. She is a lot more limited now, but this
does not mean she doesn’t communicate.
She expresses herself by her eyes, through
a smile or a frown, by squeezing my hand
or resisting when we tried to do something
she doesn’t want to do. My mother knows
when she is being treated with kindness
and gets upset when she is treated roughly.
She cries when she is sad. Even though my
mom is limited, I can feel her presence. I
love her just as much as before.
Fun: What have you learned during these
years of cari