The Challenges and Effects of Leaving An Abusive Situation
Leaving an abusive relationship is very hard to do. A victim of domestic violence does not stay in the relationship because she/he likes the abuse. There are many circumstances and factors that impact the difficult decision and act of leaving an abusive relationship. And when a victim leaves an abusive relationship she/he is at a 75 percent greater risk for being killed by her/his partner. The abuse also does not always end once she/he has left the relationship.
There are many possible barriers to a victim leaving an abusive situation:
• fear for her/his own life and the lives of those she/he loves (The abuser has threatened to commit suicide or to kill her/him, children, family, friends, or pets if she/he leaves.)
• fear that no one will believe her/him (The abuser appears as a good person in public.)
• fear that the abuser will take the children away or call social services
• fear that the abuser will find her/him (That’s what happened the other times she/he left. Why would this time be different?)
• fear that she/he always will be looking over her/his shoulder wherever she/he goes because no one can guarantee her/his safety if she/he leaves
• fear that law enforcement will arrest her/him and take the children
• fear that she/he will be deported or threatened with deportation if she/he is an undocumented immigrant
• fear that the abuser will “out” the victim to family, friends, neighbors, and employer in same-sex relationships.
• fear that she/he may face retaliation or the loss of needed care if she/he is a person with a disability being abused by a caregiver (She/he may also fear she/he will never have another relationship if this one ends.)
• fear that the abuser will deny the abuse when asked about it and that others will blame the victim or think she/he is crazy
• fear of making it on her/his own if she/he has low self-esteem, self-confidence, and personal power (Many abusers seek to control their partners by emphasizing their incompetence and repeatedly stating that their partners would be unable to function independently. Because women often define themselves by their success or failure as a wife or mother, when things are not going well at home they may take responsibility for the troubled relationship and feel lower self-esteem. A victim may be professionally or socially successful, yet only feel a sense of private failure.)
• fear of losing societal or socioeconomic status
The victim doesn’t leave because of the frequency and severity of the abuse.
• Abuse is unpredictable. It may occur frequently over short periods or only once in a while. The abuser may promise the victim that this time will be the last. The victim wants to believe that this is true and that things will be like they were in the beginning of their relationship.
• Abuse may be minimized. If she/he is not being physically abused, she/he may not consider the situation as being “severe or bad enough” to leave.