HEALTH + WELLNESS
INTIMACY EXPLAINED
THINK INTIMACY , THINK SEX ; RIGHT ? YES AND NO . IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS , AND IN GENERAL CONVERSATION , SEX AND INTIMACY ARE OFTEN USED INTERCHANGEABLY , BUT THERE ’ S A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO . UNDERSTANDING THIS DISTINCTION WHEN ISSUES ARISE IN PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS IS KEY TO COMMUNICATION AND CAN BE CRUCIAL TO FIXING , MAINTAINING , AND IMPROVING THE STATE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP OVERALL . BUT WHAT EXACTLY IS INTIMACY ? WHAT DOES IT MEAN ? AND , IMPORTANTLY , HOW DO WE BOOST IT IF WE ’ RE FEELING DISCONNECTED ?
Search the misinformation highway – aka , the internet – and you ’ ll chance upon all manner of explanations ; one site claims there are eight forms of intimacy that need to be aligned in order that a relationship runs smoothly and includes ‘ financial intimacy ’. Intimacy is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as ‘ the state of having a close personal relationship with someone ’, and although this is a judgement-free zone , we ’ re not sure that discussing the finer points of last month ’ s credit card statement is a common precursor to bonding with a friend or potential partner , so we ’ ll leave finances out of it .
There are , however , four types of intimacy that are repeatedly cited as beneficial in strengthening relationships and that sounds both plausible and achievable : emotional , mental , spiritual and physical . First things first , the notion of intimacy itself . Intimacy in a relationship is a one-on-one simultaneous action between two people who are giving the other person their undivided , undistracted attention therefore allowing each person to feel truly seen and heard , and hopefully re-energised by the connection .
In today ’ s world , this is sadly and very likely akin to putting your phone away – we know that sharing feelings , embraces , intellectual conversations and sex are the touchstones of a rich human experience and yet ‘ technoference ’ ( interruptions in interpersonal communication caused by attention paid to personal technological devices ) was recently reported as the main source of conflict or distance in 72 % of UK couples asked over a fortnightly period , who also claimed an increase in feelings of negativity and low mood generally .
Leaving phones out of the picture , let ’ s have a closer look at the four key pillars of intimacy .
EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
This involves nurturing a sense of closeness through mutual communication , respect and empathy - the honest expression of our thoughts , feelings and beliefs to another person and each of those being received , accepted , understood and heard by the other party . The magic of emotional intimacy takes place when we recognise the opportunity to lean into the importance of actively listening to the other person and letting them know they are heard . This can be done through respectfully expressing your emotions about an issue that may have arisen , having a heart-to-heart conversation about what you want and need from a relationship and providing support in times of need .
MENTAL INTIMACY
A meeting of minds , which can be satisfying , stimulating and challenging all at once , for some people mental intimacy is about wit and laughter , for others it can be discussing a particular genre of film they enjoy , and often it can be about healthy challenge in dissecting issues that are important to them . It can also be a combination of all of the above . Essentially , this form of intimacy is nurtured through creating a deeper understanding of someone ’ s mind , including how it works and how they think , sparking both curiosity and stimulation and can be developed through thoughtful conversations and sharing points of view to enrich and inform one another ’ s perspectives .
SPIRITUAL INTIMACY
Disclaimer : this isn ’ t about religion , Ouija boards or suddenly becoming enlightened . Spirituality can take many different expressions , such as values , ethics and morals , and spiritual intimacy is therefore about expressing curiosity in and understanding another person ’ s beliefs , whether you find agreement or not through pondering life ’ s big questions together , sharing your own beliefs without expectation and engaging in spiritual practise together if you do find common ground .
PHYSICAL INTIMACY
Where emotional , mental and spiritual intimacy are all about developing closeness without touching , physical intimacy is everything to do with bodily connection – but again , this doesn ’ t have to mean sex . Physical intimacy is essentially about relaxing into a relationship , getting into the moment and sharing , giving , getting and experiencing what feels good ( whether that leads to consensual sex or not ). As much about closeness and excitement as it is the giving and getting of pleasure , physical intimacy includes holding hands , cuddling , kissing , sitting closely next to each other , or any other skin-to-skin contact that feels beneficial to both parties .
A huge factor that inhibits any or all of these types of intimacy is fear , be that fear of rejection , fear the other person will leave , or a fear of loss of independence , and it can manifest in all sorts of ways , most commonly avoiding sharing feelings and detaching when a relationship begins to deepen . To move past the fear of intimacy , it ’ s essential for all parties involved to create a sense of
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