CHARACTER EDUCATION
• Listen with more than the ears . Pay attention to the speaker ’ s body language , what is not being said or is only partially said , and notice any inconsistencies between verbal and non-verbal messages .
• Avoid interrupting . It is tempting to rehearse what we may say in response and interrupt in case we forget . By doing this , however , the focus is no longer on the speaker , so we should be patient and not prematurely cut the speaker off with questions , comments , or corrections .
• Let the speaker know we are listening through our verbal responses . We can do this using skills such as paraphrasing ( putting in our own words the message the speaker is trying to communicate ), reflecting ( expressing what the speaker has said in their own words and reflecting back the content and feelings associated with the message ), and summarising ( concisely bringing together what the speaker has said to ensure accuracy of the main messages ).
• Let the speaker know we are listening through our non-verbal responses . As far as possible , we should remain neutral and calm in outward appearance ( even if we do not feel it ) and be aware of how our non-verbal cues may suggest judgements , as this may affect the speaker ’ s emotions and willingness to continue sharing . Positive examples include smiling , nodding , and making eye contact .
• Listen to ourselves and how we might feel in the speaker ’ s situation . It is vital that we do this , however , from the speaker ’ s frame of reference , not ours . We should be cautious too about sharing our own ‘ similar ’ experiences , as we risk invalidating , undermining , or devaluing their experiences by doing so .
• Avoid solving the speaker ’ s problem in our head . We cannot do this and listen to the speaker simultaneously , and we should allow the speaker the dignity of making their own decisions and not take the problem from them . Giving unsolicited advice can also act as a significant barrier to listening and it is often not what people want when choosing to share things .
By actively listening to others , working hard to understand their frame of reference , and asking effective questions , we can create an environment where the speaker feels safe and listened to . Many of us like to believe that we are good listeners , but it is important to recognise that we are not always the best judge of this , as we rarely have access to knowledge on how our listening skills impact the thoughts , feelings , and emotions of other people . In the Johari window model ( Figure 1 ), negative behaviours we exhibit when listening and responding could represent one of our ‘ blind spots ’, and thus only honest feedback from others can help us with this . Our self-awareness can also be raised by completing empathy or listening 1 questionnaires . Regardless of how we obtain feedback on our empathic and listening skills , it is important to note that both can be improved with practice , and I believe that they are vital not only for the effective teacher , but for developing stronger , healthier , and deeper relationships in our lives .
Known to Others
Unknown to Others
Known to Self
OPEN AREA
HIDDEN AREA
Figure 1 : The Johari window model ( Luft and Ingham , 1955 )
Unknown to Self
BLIND SPOT
UNKNOWN
1
E . g . Toronto Empathy Questionnaire ( TEQ ) ( psychology-tools . com ); How Good Are Your Listening Skills ? – From MindTools . com
Empathy questionnaire : https :// psychology-tools . com / test / toronto-empathy-questionnaire
Listening questionnaire : https :// www . mindtools . com / pages / article / listening-quiz . htm
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