Voices
Even after calling Esalen and
being placed on a waitlist because
the retreat was full, I didn’t bat
an eye. I saw a missed call from a
Monterey area code the very next
day and listened, with glee, to a
voicemail saying that I was in. I always knew I was going. I am pretty
certain I don’t believe in god and
my relationship with spirituality
is one I would characterize as celibate, but the magnetic force pulling me to Esalen is one I can only
describe as calm and real.
The Esalen Institute is a beautiful place tucked deep into the jagged cliffs off Highway One in Big
Sur. The constant sound of waves
crashing was the soundtrack to
the five days I spent there.
I had no phone, no music and
no books. My meditation class
met for two-hour blocks, three
times a day. I napped outside in
the breeze in the afternoons and
ate meals alone, bundled in a
puffy jacket and beanie, staring
out at the grays, blues and shimmering shapes in the ocean. I
soaked in the fragrant hot springs
at night, floating weightless, naked, staring up at the blackest sky
with the brightest stars.
Our meditation teacher explained the mind’s tendency to
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wander and said that pulling it back
is just like flexing a muscle. He encouraged us to focus and refocus on
the in and out of our breathing, and
sometimes I would keep count of
my breaths just to stay awake.
Other times I would drift into
a trance that I could feel in my
bones as both heavy and light —
like I was being pushed into the
ground from my sternum and lifted up at the same time — until he
A month before
going, I told an ex that
I was most scared of my
own intensity, and he
told me that that was
exactly why I should go.”
rang a little bell and signaled our
return to reality. I felt deeply isolated and also deeply happy.
That’s not to say I didn’t struggle. In morning meditation, I fell
asleep often and then would silently scold myself for not being
better. In walking meditation,
I cursed my teacher for moving
too slowly. In sunset meditation,
I started seeing bright, flashing
neon shapes pulsating out of the
sun and peered around at others