Voices
grew steadily, as did my list of prescription drugs. Popping cocktails
of bright, multi-colored tablets became routine as I tried eliminating
everything from gluten to caffeine,
sugar, dairy and alcohol. I carried my disorder with me through
three jobs, three apartments and
three relationships.
The side effects of the medications were vast and deep. Depression and a constant, free-floating
sense of unease cloaked my clothing during the day and pushed up
against me at night when I slept. It
ran down my legs and into the drain
like soap when I showered. Trying
to determine what drug was causing what reaction or what circumstance was causing what emotion
became an endless maze — a nauseating brain teaser that I longed to
quit but also needed to solve.
Consequently, maintaining sanity was my biggest concern going
into a five-day silent meditation
retreat at the Esalen Institute
in Big Sur, Calif. It was the end
of 2013 and I found myself exhausted, burnt out and looking
for peace. Having never meditated
before (I don’t count the hourlong class while studying abroad
in England at age 21 where I instantly fell asleep to the sound
SASHA
BRONNER
HUFFINGTON
02.09.14
of a train passing by), I worried
about what repeated meditation
and prolonged silence would stir
up within my psyche.
A month before going, I told an
ex that I was most scared of my
own intensity, and he told me that
that was exactly why I should go.
Revealing to people that I was
going to be silent for five days inspired all sorts of responses. They
were even more baffled when I clar-
What started as a
small rash of hives at
age 22 slowly blossomed
into a dark and prickly
garden of endless referrals,
specialists, misdiagnoses,
pills, needles, IVs, fullbody scans and more
questions than answers.”
ified that I would do so alone, over
New Year’s Eve and my birthday.
The decision to go came almost
out of a fever dream. I don’t remember when the idea came to
me and I don’t remember deciding
to do it. It’s like I always meant to
go, forgot about it and then suddenly remembered. A minor case
of curable amnesia.