Huffington Magazine Issue 70 | Page 33

Voices form abortions. And dog groomers can aid assisted suicides by Skype. California was the first state to legalize medical marijuana, our minimum wage is almost three dollars higher than the national rate, and in 10 years a third of our electricity will come from renewable energy and 15 percent of our cars will be electric. And while Republicans in the rest of the country are threatening to deport every immigrant not named Ted Cruz, California just OK’d driver’s licenses for undocumented aliens. That’s right, we’re letting them drive cars — just like white people! You Red Staters may ask, “How come they’re lettin’ Meskins drive?” Well, it’s because they have to get to their jobs. You see, here in California we’re embracing the modern world — we can’t be worrying about all the nonsense that keeps Fox News viewers up at night when they should be in bed adjusting their sleep apnea mask. Our state motto is, “We’re Too Busy for Your Bullshit.” The bottom line is that we are moving the country’s largest economy into a place where we can all be health-insured, clean air-breathin’, gay-married, immi- BILL MAHER HUFFINGTON 10.13.13 grant-friendly citizens who don’t get shot all the time. And my message to the rest of America is: do not resist. Kneel before Zod! California has been setting the trends in America for decades, from Silicon Valley to silicone tits, and it’s not going to stop now. We say jump — you say, “Please sell me new exercise clothes for jumping.” We said put cilantro in food, and dammit, you did, you put cilantro California has been setting the trends in America for decades, from Silicon Valley to silicone tits, and it’s not going to stop now.” in food, even though neither one of us knows what it is. Almond milk? We just had some extra almonds and thought we’d fuck with you. The enormous earlobe hole? You’re welcome. We also invented the genius bar, where the kid with the enormous earlobe hole takes your MacBook in the back and fills it with animal pornography. Bill Maher is the host of HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher.