How to Coach Yourself and Others Techniques For Coaching | Page 418

yourself accountable for the full intensity of their response. Your
actions may have simply triggered strong feelings from their past.
Pointing this out to someone, however, is likely to make them defensive
unless you cop to your own involvement first. If you validate your
contribution to their feelings they are often freed to look more closely
at their own contribution.
After you have validated someone's feelings about you and allowed
some time for those feelings to release, you can explain what your
intention was without appearing defensive. Here are a few examples of
the difference between defensiveness, reflective listening, and
validation:
Example
A:
Sister #1: Jackie! You pig! The pie is almost all gone!
Sister #2 (defensive): I didn't eat it all!
Sister #2 (reflective): You're angry about how much pie I ate.
Sister #2 (validating): Oh. I wasn't keeping track of how much I was
eating. But if I had more than my share it makes sense that you'd be
pissed.
Example
B:
Child: This is a drag. You never take us anywhere fun.
Dad (defensive): What do you mean! What about last weekend!
Dad (reflective): You are bored with what we are doing.
Dad (validating): I can see how it might get pretty boring just
hanging around here all day.
In both cases the validating response goes beyond the reflective
response to include the message that the feelings expressed are
understandable. The validating response thus addresses the
unconscious question, "Are my feelings okay?" Because the need to be
validated is so universal among people, those who gain proficiency at
this skill can become very popular indeed.
Source:
http://www.santacruztherapist.net/Articles/Validating%20Feelings.html

Copyright: Tim Hartnett, 1997 - Revised 2007
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